Twenty-Twelve.

2011 has been an adventure to say the least.
It's been one of the hardest, but also one of the most profound in many ways.

I remember being asked a year ago, while in a room with several people, "what is 2011 going to be for you?" I responded with complete confidence and assurance, "a year of dreams being realized."

Looking back over the year, there were many unexpected, less than amazing events that have come my may. But, I have to say that, indeed it was a year of dreams being realized.

I've embarked and embraced so many different things this year,here is my attempt at rounding it up:
Friendships, some of the best I may ever have. A relationship. Fashion school. Running a 5k. Started a fashion blog. Yacht trips. Started painting. Began expanding my designing skills. Road tripped across the country, from CA to MD. Went to Elizabethtown (a lifelong ambition ;). Went to Salvation Mountain. Learned to Golf. Fell in love with San Francisco.Traveled the Oregon Coast. Saw Les Miserable at the Kennedy Center. Went to a Ballet. Saw Bon Iver live. Met Kelly Cutrone (AHHH!)......just to name a few.

I am not a big fan of resolutions, more so of daily living life alive, continually dreaming, and always setting and achieving goals. There are lots I wish to accomplish this year, and I believe whole heartedly I will. To start with though, I am simply going to wake up day after day, in awe of Abba, and live the journey with Him. I just don't see how that could lead to any regret.

Here is to twenty twelve my friends. I am excited for all that's ahead :)

I believe this year will be one of dreams, dreams, and even more dreams. The process of daily seeing dreams realized and of finding beauty in the mundane.

He is good. All the time.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Christmas Time.

Around the world we celebrated Christmas yesterday.
It meant a lot of things, to a lot of different people.
It came in a lot of different ways, to so many people.
And, the day came, no matter what was going on in every person's life.

Here, I am, a day after Christmas.
I am 20  years old, and not once in my life has Christmas meant what it has this year.

Every year we are confronted with church service after church service, telling us, "Christmas isn't about gifts, it's about the birth of Jesus, and all He represents." We all nod in enthusiastic agreement, and consciously we completely agree--as I have the past years of my life, (at least the one's I was actually old enough to agree haha)

In the months leading up to this Christmas, my family has been confronted with quite the crisis.
We have found ourselves, solely only having one another.
Being stripped of all "friends" we knew....in the most literal sense.

Last week, in the midst of one of my weekly "breakdowns" as the family has come to call them.
You know?  That sudden realization of the entirety of the situation--the comforting the family member who is mourning on that particular day, unable to stand against the heaviness of the situation.
I just didn't have the usual "Christmas" excitement, that usually begins to happen weeks before the big day.
All, I could feel was sadness, and honestly not much hope.

I felt God begin to ask me though, "what is Christmas, when all the "feelings" are stripped away?"
I began to say to myself, all I've heard my whole life; "this is the season where the love, and more importantly the hope of who Jesus is, is characterized." It hit me, that in all times of the year that this crisis could happen, this really is the most perfect time. What we need the most? Hope. Is the thing most emphasized about Jesus right now.

So, Merry Christmas...coming, from the girl who thought she had clung onto "hope" in the past,
but is realizing I am just beginning to grasp what HOPE is really all about.

Learning to release the ones, who don't know better, we are all mearly human.
Learning to bless those who curse....when my life really depends on it.
Learning to pick up, and keep climbing, keep pursuing,
and keep hoping.

My family may not have the natural comfort of having friends stand with us,
but one thing we do have is Heaven standing behind us, fighting for us, backing us,
beckoning each of us to continue in our dreams, to fight the good fight.

What is life if you don't have to fight at some point?
When courage isn't called upon?


In the midst of crisis, He shines even greater.
That I am daily thankful for.

On closing, in the words of the Queen of England,

"We've seen that it's in hardship that we often find strength from our families; it's in adversity that new friendships are sometimes formed; and it's in a crisis that communities break down barriers and bind together to help one another.

Families, friends and communities often find a source of courage rising up from within. Indeed, sadly, it seems that it is tragedy that often draws out the most and the best from the human spirit."

To courage...to new friendships, and most of all to HOPE, and all that He entails.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Ponderings.

Burnout.
Burnout.
Burnout.

Oh, how I wish I knew these days were coming.
Home unprepared I feel.
Swept away with the chaos of the moment.

Wave after wave of intensity.
Knowing I must get out,
but having absolutely no way of escape.

Oh, how I need my Abba more than ever.
I have no answers this time.
Nope, none at all.

Just a heart of sorrow,
with no tears.

Wishing things were different,
and having no way of changing the present circumstances.

When it's all coming crashing down,
where are the few,
that are with you,
even when everything sucks.

Oh, the pondering of my present soul....

Peace. Love. Joy.

Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is the time everyone whips out the list of things they are thankful for, which is so lovely in so many aspects. At the risk of being super cliche I am going to try to express my gratitude for so many different things in my life right now. In all honesty, I try to wake up every morning and tell Abba, something, because there is always something, for which I am thankful. I am so very thankful (no pun intended haha), for a holiday where we can spend time with family and friends and express the deep things we are grateful for. I think though, making a lifestyle of thankfulness can be totally life changing, and I hope that I can live the rest of my life with that being a core value of mine.

With that being said, some things I am presently thankful for, and totally in awe of my Abba for:
-Transition and "muddy" times that bring people closer, and show an intimate part of my Abba's character I wouldn't have experienced otherwise.
-A mother who loves, and has taught me so much about simply being "me" and loving it.
-A father who despite mistakes, has shown me you can still answer the call of God on your life. You can still set in motion a movement. And, most important, you can still change lives.
-An inheritance stored up internally, as well as external.
-My ancestors, who were some of the most incredible people. My Grandfathers, who combined did some of the most amazing things, impacted the world, and influenced the influential in every sense of the word. My Grandmother's who were complete trailblazers for women. They are fighters. And, they too have experienced so many monumental things. It makes me realize I've got some pretty amazing people backing up my dreams, and visions. It reminds me constantly, that I can DO everything I set out to do.
-Seth Godin, and his brilliant thoughts.
-David Brooks, and his brilliant thoughts. (ha.)
-My siblings. Whom, each teach me a different aspect of life. One, that shows me how to live deeply. One, that shows me how to live joyfully. And, one who shows me how to live in wisdom and deep thought.
-The countless, amazing friends, whom in times of hardship have proved time and time again, that they truly define the word. "friend."
-The art of fashion, with which I can express to the world the creator that lives on the inside of me.
-The most lovely amazing people around the globe who are homeless, destitute, hurting, and victimized. They've taught me about love, and about what exactly makes up a "beautiful person." They've shown me apart of Abba's heart, that my heart can now beat in tune with--justice.
-The people of Nicaragua, whom since age 8, have continually portrayed to me what loving Jesus is all about. A sacrificial, whole hearted love to Abba.
-For getting to dream, and getting to see those dreams realized.
-Mia Hamm, Jon Foreman, Tom DeLonge, Kelly Cutrone, Lauren Conrad, Coco Chanel, DVF, Thoreau, Queen Victoria, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush....all of which have inspired me in some form or fashion through my life thus far.
-And, last, but most important, my beautiful Abba, who is the heartbeat behind all of the above. He has been so very faithful, more so than any human. He has shown me what it means to love. What it means to carry joy. What it means to go through the winters of life. And, what His grace is truly all about.

I am thankful that everyday there is something new to be thankful for.
That, again, just points to the brilliance, that is my Abba.

I am blessed.
I am loved beyond belief.
And, my default place shall always be: a much loved daughter.

To Thanksgiving....

Peace. Love. Joy.

Changing Culture

I am starting to really understand how culture is changed. Not mearly by words or a sermon, but by circumstances that have required me to come face to face with the reality of what being a change agent really is.

I am so thankful for the last season of my life. In so many ways, it was a time to be safe. A time to heal. A time to grow. But, then I was catapulted into the "real" world, not a safe, friendly environment. I have come face to face with your everyday people; your everyday situations, which have proven to be the grounds for which everything you've learned is challenged.

I truly believe the way you change culture is not through the big, grandeous things (although such things, and movements are wonderful as well). But, rather it's through the little everyday actions where we get to go against the grain. We get to infuse love, joy, and hope into every circumstance; every conversation. It begins  to show people there's a different way than they have seen. A different way than they've been told. You begin to change mindsets, and that ultimately is what changes culture.

Over the past week or so I have been thrown into situation after situation where I had the opportunity to respond differently in very "worldly" situations, and institutions. I saw my simple responses begin to make people stop and begin to think. Some, even thanked me for responding differently than they've ever seen.

I am honored to be given this season. It's a time like no other. A time where everything that has been sown into me is being challenged. The very things I have believed for years are coming face to face with situations where I really get to see what my heart believe in it's innermost parts.

I am so honored to be given the choice to respond differently to situations. I am honored to be given situations where I can challenge the "system" so to speak, and bring a new way of thinking, and a new way of doing things.

I think that's what Jesus did.
He walked the earth, not having to prove anything.
Just being put in situation after situation where He was able to bring a new mindset into the mix.
And, thus cause people to begin to think differently.
And, ultimately that is what changed culture,
and what continues too.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Born with a Fight.

I love how within hours, everything can shift, and change.
At least, internally (which subsequently changes all things external).
He truly does turn our mourning into joy.
I love it.

Do you ever find yourself making decisions with Him, but not understanding one bit why He is asking you to make the decisions?
All logical reason says NO, but He says "yes"....
so, of course you follow suite and move in His direction...hand in hand,
without having any idea in the world why.

That's been the past 5 months for me.
Not understanding, denying what was pretty much the comfortable thing--
the safe thing.
And, instead trusting Him with no understanding of why I couldn't "make the move" I logically thought was right.

It's all making sense now, though.
The last season. What was sown into my heart, my life.
It was indeed preparing me for this time...these moments I am presently living in.

No, I don't know how it will all end.
I do now though, that I am here because He wants me here.
There is something He has placed inside of me, that must be used in this time.

I can tell you, there is a fight in me.
A mighty fight....
to see justice prevail, and righteousness thrive.
To see lives fought for, and thus, lives restored.

It certainly hasn't been comfortable,
and without sounding too prideful,
it has been a denying of what I want in so many ways.

Alas, despite not living amidst circumstances I would desire,
I am learning to embrace the fact that there was a courage placed in me for this time, and this season.
There is a well deep within me that God wants to use right now, in these moments.

And, after all, when other then here and now will I get to fight?
When will I get to really see what has been cultivated within me?
When will I get to rise up and live audacious hope?
Now, is the time.
For, certainly when I go on from this life, and spend eternity with Him, I won't need any of it.
Now...these moments; is when I get to see the meaning of who He says He is shown.
When words, turn into action,
and what you've preached and been preached to about, no longer are words, but verbs in which we see His beauty and character revealed.

To these times...
For they surely shall pass.
To fighting...
For the "fight" has been in me from the beginning of time.

And, to destiny,
for I know just as I have looked back at the previous season, in contrast to this one,
I will be doing the same thing in the next season, concerning this one.

To the day, where I am living in the dream,
and not merely dreaming it up.


Peace. Love. Joy.

Solace.

I always find solace in writing. Somehow, it allows me the chance to take everything inside going on and get it out, or at least attempt to. It helps me to process life. Deal with pain. It gets me back to what I am really about.

I am very bad at admitting when I am not doing well. I hate saying things aren't good, because I just like to be optimistic and look on the bright side. Which is good...sometimes. Other times, I think it really is okay to just say things aren't okay. And, that life might just not be the most brilliant at the present moment. In no way does this discount my Abba's goodness--because, trust me He is so good. But, I think He meets us with His goodness in the good times, as well as the bad. I like to think He is right here with me, when it all is crashing down, not just when the sun is shining.

It's crazy how your heart can get caught up in something, and not even realize it until it's gone.
I've never been one to take things for granted--at least I didn't think I was.
Until, I did.
And, then I was left with no second chance--just a heart full of sorrow, regrets, and memories.

But, maybe if I wasn't worth enough to give a second chance, I am better for it now.
After all, who wants to be seen as a begger. Not me.
I'll take the pursuer.
Now, just to find that one.
Who even in the midst of chaos, and mistakes, will be forgiving and understanding.
Willing to trust again, even when they have no logical reason too.

"Everyone I've loved seems like a stranger in the night. But, oh my heart still burns tells me to return and search the faded light...so, tie me to the mast of this old ship and point me home. Before, I lose the one I love, before my chance is gone."

Those are some words from one of my favorite songs by Josh Garrels. I think it quite sums up my heart right now.

So, many different situations and circumstances I wish I could change.
It all hurts. That's okay, though.
I am going to let it hurt..
until, it no longer does.
I'll look back, and realize this was just a season of life, a moment of time,
and He really did carry me through.

I will see my dreams fulfilled.
That I believe.

Peace. Love. Joy.

The Ramblings.

I want to be pursued;
chased down.
I want my heart to feel safe;
at home.
I want to be seen for my strengths,
as well as my weaknesses.
I want to feel special,
loved, and taken care of.
I want to have at my side,
one who will cause me to fully live life alive.
One, whom will encourage me to
see all my Abba's wonderful goodness, day by day.
One who will extract joy in all situations;
in all seasons of life.
I want one of character;
of humility, love, and a spirit that roars, audacious hope.
I want one who sees my dreams,
and would sacrifice just as much as me to see them come to fruition.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Wandering Mind.

Sometimes, I wonder about things.
I wonder why, in the whole wide world, with so many people--
why it's so complicated to find that "one" person to spend the rest of you life with?

It's this age old, simple task, of finding another person to live, laugh, and do life with.
Yet, in all it's simplicity, it's the most complex thing as well.

You don't want to settle, just to have another person, or fulfill some type of social obligation.
You really want to love the person--to know that you can live life with them, and live it fully alive.

It's this tension, of desiring something, but not wanting to settle...
thus, waiting. And, learning to never lower your expectations,
but trust that they will be granted, in the form of another person.

After all, aren't our desires given to us by Him?
Thus, there must be someone out there who fits the criteria.

Surrendering to patience.

I love Queen Victoria--actually, most everything about her I love.
Reading about her life, I feel like in so many ways me and the Victoria had a lot in common.
I love, LOVE her relationship with Prince Albert. Here is this man, who learns to be powerful, but allows his wife, who happens to be the Queen of England, to be powerful as well. He learns to not play the game for her,
but rather play the game with her. I love that picture of love. I think that's how it should be.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Swarming.

Swarming feelings.
Emotions.
Inadequate?
Irreplaceable?
Forgotten?

Who will stick around for the long haul?
Who are those willing to invest, not just in the good times...
Who will stick by when it's muddy, and unpleasant?
Who will be the ones whom you can truly call friend at the end of the journey?

It hurts.
But, eh, it's life.
At least I am learning that comparison kills.
Ohh, yes it does.

Embracing the season.
Trusting.
Knowing your decisions were the right ones,
even if others don't agree or maybe understand...
or even stick around.

The truth is,
He is faithful.
The biggest lesson learned will be that of trust when I look back on these times; these seasons.

For now, I put my trust in Him.
The one who has never failed me.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Courage.

It's times like these you find out who is really important in your life--
who your real friends are.

To hold onto hope, when all seems lost,
that's courage to me.
I hope I can be courageous.

When you feel alone,
as if you're on some deserted island,
with no one...but yourself,
and Him.

When you don't want revenge,
but rather justice.
Justice in the form of restoration,
in the form of Love.

It's no longer about being victim,
it's all about fighting.
It's all about being courageous.

And, honestly it's all about running towards audacious hope with all that's within you.
And, staring what seems like the inevitable in the eye, and telling it, it's got no place here.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Haze.

Why is is that the moment you need to lay down your life, be the most courageous; the most selfless--
all, you want to do is run, and be selfish?

Where is the line drawn between fighting for those who don't deserve it,
and fighting for your dreams?

Questions. Haze. Is this reality, or can we please wake up now and say it's a dream?

Peace. Love. Joy.

Audacious Hope.

Audacious Hope.
That has always been a statement that has rung true to my heart.
In fact, I plan to start whole institutions and non-profits and for-profits alike around those two words.

It's funny how when everyone thinks you should be distressed and emotional,
God comes swooping in with His grace, and you, in fact feel more joy than ever before.
It truly is a beautiful thing to just let go, and really just let Him be Himself.

I can honestly say I am not one bit worried about the future,
in fact, I really think I am the most optimistic and hopeful about it than ever before.

I am so excited for the days ahead.
For the places I'll go and the people I'll meet.
And, more importantly I am excited to not have control and for God to just show up in ways no man could.

Life is just good. No exceptions.

Peace. Love. Joy.

That feeling....

The feeling of home.
The feeling of being right where you've always belonged.
As if, from the beginning of time, it was destiny.

My heart is in search of that place;
in search of home.

Hopefully, sooner, rather than later, it's found.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Leaves. Death.

"Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die."
It's a line of a Regina Spektor song, and its been floating around in my head for weeks now.

Maybe, out of the struggle, the times of dying we are refined, and we come out more beautiful than ever.

Maybe, that is what life is about. Series after series of refinement and becoming more and more beautiful.

Just a thought.
Peace. Love. Joy.

Life is brilliant. I mean, despite all that is going on around me, it really is fantastic.

Maybe it's the gorgeous weather, or maybe the fact that I have the whole day to do exactly what I want to do (for once!); but, truly life is brilliant.

I am so happy to be alive. So happy to have dreams. So happy to know brilliant people. Happy to be exactly who I am. And, to have the most amazing Abba in the whole world...who knows me, loves me, and lives through me.

Learning to extract joy, in all things, no matter what is going on in life.
That is truly the lesson of life I am learning currently.

And, honestly...I am just happy.
So happy.

Peace. Love. Joy.

The buzz.

Politics, oh politics.
I find people are either completely scared of it, and thus pay no attention, and even at times despise it.
While others, love it, live for it, and embrace it every moment of their life.

I like politics...call me crazy, but I do.
There is something so fascinating and intriguing to me about it.
It's this epicenter that our great country is run by, but at the same time, it can't save us (the people).
It's a wonderful tension.

Whenever I have free time? I watch the news.
When I am running at night? I watch the news.
It's just my go to.
I love to know what is going on in the world,
and in Washington.

Lately, with the election buzz in full force, there has been much to catch up on, and watch.
I love the candidate debates. It's so interesting to hear questions fired, and peoples' responses. You can quickly figure out what one believes, as well as values. At the same time though, you can't REALLY figure them out.
It's this weird mystery. (I do find it funny though when the candidates become quite cliche in their "political" terms--my opinion? Just be real. I like the ones that are real).

Maybe I like it so much, because I get a chance to psycho analyze the canidates. Who knows.

Alas, it always gets me thinking,what were the founding fathers like to be around?
I imagine they were men of valor, of character, of values.
I would love to go back in time and sit with them.....have a little chat.
I think it would be absolutely life changing.

I often ponder if there are any men like this still alive?
Are there men of valor? of character?
Are there men leading our country who still have great values they live by?

I am optimistic, so I say yes. I just don't know them, I hope to meet some of them soon though.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Seth Godin says....

Seth Godin says to write everyday, so that I am embracing. I write every day in my journal, but I thought I'd take it one step further and try and write in this blog daily; with the surface, crazy, random things that are floating in my head.

I find joy is the greatest weapon ever. To embrace joy, I mean embrace it in the crappiest of times is the smartest thing one can do. I find the littlest things get me laughing these days. It's good--laughter truly is good like a medicine.

So, laugh, laugh, laugh. I guarantee it will make the hardest of seasons bearable.

Peace. Love. Joy.

20 years.

20 years of life. Wow—it’s weird to say that. Even weirder to realize I’ve been alive 2 decades. So much has happened in those years of life, many joys, and many sorrows. Friends have come and gone. Hobbies have come and gone. Life “ambitions” have come and gone.

I can honestly say that this past year, my 19^th year was one of the most explosive & defining years of my life…I continually look back to a year ago & am amazed at how I’ve changed and grown.

I think I’ve realized more than anything how absolutely brilliant my Abba is, and how much I am dependent on His Grace. He is seriously so good.

I have more dreams than ever before. I am so excited for the years to come, and all the people and places I will have the privilege of encountering.

I have learned about process. Mainly, the tension between living life completely alive, but still being in a process. Of knowing where you’re going, but being in the midst of something entirely different, that ultimately is what gets you to your destination.

It’s the difficult times that teach us all we need—that build the character we need to sustain the course of our dreams.

As I enter adulthood, I am reminded of what I want to be remembered for long after I leave this world. I want to leave an inheritance rich of dreams fulfilled, life lived, new and beautiful ambitions realized, and taking every moment captive. I want to be known as a woman who fully lived. Who faced fear and adversity in the eye, and succeeded in all her heart set out to do.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Let's just have fun.

I'm discovering what it really means to live like a child. Completely abandoned to living life alive.
It's interesting how free we are as kids, and once we grow up the pressures of life...what we should become, what is expected of us, paying for bills etc., it can totally overshadow life in general.

Lately, I've been waking up and saying, "this can not be my life." As much as I say it jokingly, I really have been pondering this very thing with Jesus. I am finding I hate repition (which is probably why I am a fashion major) I need adventure, excitement, new challenges. It's hard for me to wake up and go through the same 'ol routine every day--it drains me, and sucks the life right from me.

Alas, I find myself in a season where there is much repition involved. So the only thing I've been faced with doing, is figuring out how to make it exciting ;) I am around kids a lot, so I get to observe them. They are very matter of fact. Their imaginations run wild. They don't think about what tomorrow holds, they are all in the moment. It doesn't matter what is going on, they tend to choose fun above all.

Then, I started thinking about Marilyn Monroe, and how she was noted as being "fun". This very thing is why she is still so prominent in our culture years after her being gone.

I can choose to be stressed, overwhelmed, working tirelessly to try and figure out the "pefect" plan for my life. Or, I can have some fun, jump at every adventure, and discover all there is to find in this beautiful world....and, trust that the rest is all going to be sorted out by Abba.

So, here is to a new journey of implementing fun in every aspect of my life...to endless adventures, and trying some new and crazy things!

Gracias, Marilyn.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Real Rest.

I think one of my strengths is that of being able to be busy and have grace for it. I have an ability to be a workaholic, and not allow it to overwhelm me...or at least I thought. This probably stems from the fact I grew up in a home with parents who work their butts off, and take on way more than the average person would dream about doing. So, in a way I grew up knowing what it was like to have so much going on in your schedule.

Last year, I spent 9 months in a very life changing place. I learned a lot about my heart, about life, and a lot about rest. Life slowed down for me, and I had plenty of time to spend with friends, but also plenty of down time. I soon fell in love with my down times, of not having to do anything but read, write, and even catch up on the latest blockbusters. I would look forward to it, and I learned that this place of rest was what charged me for living life alive.

I came home, started a new season of life, and jumped right into a 45 hour work week (sometimes 60 depending on the week), on top of college. It was an extreme shock at first, not having the ability to unwind at all. The first couple weeks, I was a mess adjusting back to this pace of life. But, soon it got quite normal again, and I even questioned taking on more (I know! I am crazy!)

I began to get swept up in the "workaholic american dream". The ability to have no life, live off of dozens of cups a coffee a day, have no time for real, deep relationships, and make lots of money.

I came to a conclusion though, through many amazing friends, and a quite brilliant sister, that it really wasn't worth it. Yes, I have things I need to pay for (college--debt sucks, therefore I won't be participating in it!), but living life NOW is so much more important. Yes, I can work my life away--I am quite capable of it, I assure you. But, at the end of my life when I look back will it have been worth it? I think not. I would have no real friendships, no fun moments, and no pleasant thoughts of my restful times spent in solace.

I want to look back on my life one day and know I lived it to the ultimate fullest. I had so much fun, I worked hard, but I also rested much. That is what I want. So from now on, rest will be scheduled into my planner, for it is the "bliss" of life, and the thing that makes life, well, life.

At the end of the day, I want to live life alive. That is the bottom line.

Soooo, here is to embracing rest. AND, making sure I do.
Hooray for life.
Peace. Love. Joy.

Vulnerability.

Vulnerability.
The place of being transparent.
Holding nothing back.
Taking off the mask.
Letting people in.

Easy? Hardly.
Maybe the biggest battle of all.
The choice everyday to fake it,
or to be real.
Reveal yourself to the world around you.
Open up and let someone in...
they may hurt you,
but if you don't take the risk you'll just hurt yourself.

By locking yourself away, and guarding your heart,
it grows cold; lifeless.
Life stops pumping through.

Taking the chance.
Being vulnerable.
That's the battle we face everyday.

Choose life.
Choose vulnerability.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Ticking Clock.

Time flys by so fast...you're in one season and then all of a sudden you're in a next.
I think, at least for me, I take so much for granted in specific seasons, and then look back and miss it all so much. I don't know if that is just the way life is, or if I am incredibly bad at embracing the "moment" in the moment.

I think more than anything I am finding that things really aren't as they seem.
Your best friend you took for granted, ends up being the person you miss the most.
The person at your childhood camp who you thought was snobby, ends up being the biggest encourager of your destiny, right when you need it--out of the blue.
The employer who seemed complicated, actually ends up being your favorite. And, the one you thought was so nice and would be a breeze to work for, ends up being right out crazy.

Why is it that life is like this? How do we perceive things so wrong sometimes?
It's made me realize more than ever that we can make split second decisions that change the course of everything, and in the end our decision, based on a  perception ends up being wrong, and we are left with regrets.

I don't want to be rash. I want to love always, keep all doors wide open. Embrace every moment, and soak all the joy and love from every single moment. So, that when the next season rolls around, I don't regret, but I can embrace the winds of change, knowing my heart is full of love, and I truly have experienced joy and relationship to last me through the hard times.

To those of grace, who despite my rashness, still love.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Simple.

Isn't it funny how when you were a kid the simplest things would send excitement shooting through your soul?
The "certain" yogurt in the grocery store...
the sleepover weeks away...
the "party" your family was hosting...
the vacation to God knows where.

The littlest things made your day,
maybe even your year.
You were constantly excited about what was next,
the next hour, the next day, the next week.
Life had so much in store for you, and you were prepared to run right into every adventure.

When is it that all these things fade?
When do we need more to become excited?
When does the "simple" just not do anymore?

All of a sudden, we look back and life has gotten complicated.
Not because anything necessarily changed (I mean, you know, obvious things do),
but maybe because we, ourselves have complicated it.
With our habits, our "activities", our appetite for more.

I want those first day of school feelings again.
The excitement of recess, even if it was simply jump romping for an hour with friends.
I want the sleepover rush.
The "crush" conversations you have with your closest buddies.

I want the simple.
I don't want to NEED something big to impact me.
I want the simple to once again grasp my heart, to scream so loud, to impact me so profoundly...
The simple.
Yes, the simple.

Peace. Love. Joy.

An ode to 'love'.

What is love?
Is love something that "happens" to you, an expression which you feel all of a sudden,
or is it merely a choice?

In theory if it were this euphoric, out of nowhere happening,
then I guess I could see how it would simply vanish,
leaving one with an excuse,"I just don't love you anymore."

If it were, in theory of course, a choice,
then would one really have an excuse for stopping to love?
A valid excuse at least....
Their only excuse would be, "I simply chose to not love you anymore."

It's an interesting thing, love.
A fickle thing.
A tossed around thing.
A popular thing. (at least to those who have made up their own definition of it)

What is love exactly?
And, if we knew it in its entirety,
the good...and the ugly,
would we still throw it around as if it were some kind of soccer ball?
Or would we really treat it as a weighty thing, and guard it, as well as be intentional with it?

Oh, to experience this thing we call 'love' in it's vastness.....

Peace. Love. Joy.

Blinded.

Life is such a fickle thing, eh? Realizing this more than ever in this season.
Not knowing, but trying to figure it out.
Analyzing, but getting no answers.
This seems to be my life story right now.

Head. Heart. Head. Heart.
What's reliable?
It feels a little like chaos to me.

Where am I going? What is the journey going to look like?
Everything is in the dark.
I am blinded.

Trust. Ah, yes, trust.
That I am certainly learning.
It's all I have honestly.

It's nice to know I can put my hand in His,
and just trust.
Although, I think that's where most of the battle lies.
The simplicity of trusting.

Who knows? I certainly don't.
I'll choose to simply rest mine in His and wait.
One day, this time in life, it will all make sense.
At least, to some extent.

Until then, trust.
Yes, trust, it's all I've got.
Of one thing I am certain, Him.

Peace. Love. Joy.

To becoming a daughter :)

Recently, God's been really ingraining in me identity without a need to prove myself.

He took me to the passage of scripture in Matthew 4 where Jesus is in the desert and Satan is tempting him. In verse 6 the enemy says, "If you are the son of God throw yourself down." (speaking of Jesus standing on the highest point of the temple). We all know that Jesus then replies, "Do not put the Lord your God to the test."

What exactly is Jesus being tempted with in this verse? Satan was tempting Jesus to prove who He WAS by what He could DO.
How often does that play out in our own lives today?
The constant battle of proving oneself by what we do instead of simply abiding in Abba as sons/daughters...that being what our identity is rooted in, nothing else.

I am in that process right now, of not only knowing in my head who I am (HIS),
but knowing in my heart, and literally living from that place.
Living from a place of truly being a daughter, and not even having to prove it...just being.
Ahh, just saying that makes me feel so alive!
We were created to simply "be" in Him, not have to prove our identity.
I want to live as I was created to.

I love that Jesus knew who He was, that He didn't have to prove one thing to Satan..
such a beautiful picture of how we should live.
To abiding in Abba...
ohh the bliss :)

Peace. Love. Joy.

The Mystery of it All....

Lately, I have been drawn to the mystery of life, people....the mystery of it all.
It's so easy to want to know everything and anything,
to consistently be answering questions in life,
to have to understand......

But, I propose we yield ourselves to the endless, beautiful mystery of it all...
maybe instead of always needing an explanation to embrace something,
why not choose to embrace it even without an explanation?
Seems a little like "faith" to me.

Why not choose to not have to quite understand it all?
But, instead be surprised,
be amazed in every passing moment you live.

Instead of trying to figure every little thing out,
do yourself a favor and embrace mystery.
Embrace the adventure.
I believe that is how we were created to live.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Father's Day.

Oh, hey it's Father's Day....

therefore, this blog is dedicated to my wonderful Padre who has been so influential throughout my lifetime!

He has taught me what it means to forsake all and reach out to the one in front who is in need...

he has more grace for people than anyone I have ever met.

He will fight for someone to the death, literally.

He never gives up on people or the good that he sees within them.


I am so honored to have a Father that paved the way for me to go to Nicaragua at only 8 years old.

I will never be the same, and Nicaragua has become more and more apart of my heart through the years.

Every trip, every moment, falling more and more in love with the beautiful people there.


I love you Dad...thanks for being you! :)

<-----Padre.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Multi-Faceted.

Multi-Faceted.
It's something I've been pondering lately.
Why does our culture scream the opposite?
Why must we stay focused on one specific area in life?

I say embrace life...enjoy it, have fun with everything and anything.
Have your hands in all different areas.
Be a photographer and a doctor.
Be a musician and a writer.
Do it all.
Why not?
You were created so uniquely, with so many different talents and interests.
Don't allow culture to dwindle you down to one thing.

I think Mark Twain summed it up quite well when he said, "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

I encourage you to do just that!
Enjoy life! Embrace every single minute of it through your passions and desires!

Peace. Love. Joy.

Trust.

Transition: its complicated.

It always throws such a mixture of emotions your way, and leaves one left to process.
I usually am quite good at transition and knowing the season I am headed into, because I usually have a very clear understanding what God is speaking and where He is directing me. Even when the season is a difficult one, I know what God spoke and I just stand on His promises…not once have I been disappointed either. It’s funny how you can see a certain season from one perspective, but when you walk out of it, it was completely different than you imagined and think “what would I have done if I didn’t walk through that?” He always knows best. :)

I find though I am in a transition of seasons and this time I just don’t really understand what I walking into. I mean, there are certain things I do know, but for the majority I don’t feel like God has said one particular thing for this next phase. It leaves me feel a little hazy, as I have never really experienced such uncertainty. At the same time I keep being confronted by God with the concept of Him letting me choose what’s next, and Him loving whatever decision that may be. It’s almost as if He is saying, “here are the reigns Brianna…I trust you.”

It’s funny how He trusts me, yet my trust in Him is being most tested in this time. Will I trust Him enough to trust me? Haha. It’s a bit ironic actually. Can I make a decision without clear direction straight from Him? Can I believe in His trust in me? Do I really believe that He will never let me fail? That my desires are from His heart ultimately?

I have an amazing friend, her name is Heather and she is going to change this world, as we were talking about this weird transition the other day she said something so profound, of which I will most likely hold onto for the rest of my life. She said, “It’s easy to be obedient when God gives you clear direction, it takes faith to choose freely.” I am pretty sure that quote sums it all up; it couldn’t have been said any better.

So, here’s to learning to trust Him like never before. I know I will come out on the other side so pleased with His faithfulness. :)

Peace. Love. Joy.

Salvation Mountain.

I am presently on my trip cross country back home to Maryland from California, and enjoying every moment. There is something about the open road; it brings life into context for me. It presents the simplicity of life and causes me to long for the deep truth of life, as well as spend time dialoging with Jesus….as well as simply be over-analytical (something I tend to do too much ha!)

Alas, enough of my inner ramblings….. Yesterday, I had the opportunity of visiting a place called Salvation Mountain; a place I have longed to go to for a while now. I’ve long wondered what it would be like to not just hear the stories of this man Leonard, and his vision which has now become a worldwide point of interest, but to actually be there and experience it firsthand. Leonard wasn’t there, which was a little bit sad…I so wanted to personally meet the amazing man behind this simple, yet so profound message of love. Walking along the “mountain” and reading the messages of God’s love all around was amazing—even more amazing though was being hit once again with the realization that the simplicity of the Gospel really is His love; it all comes down to that one thing.

I think the one thing that is most profound to me, is that this man, Leonard receives nothing in the natural for all his work. He isn’t working for a “reward” or some kind of recognition. He lives as simply as one could; living in the back of his truck and painting daily from donated paint (only 2 weeks ago did he move out of the area, to escape the heat due to heart issues—he is after all nearing his 80’s).
Knight’s whole life goal is simply that the world would know that God is love. Dedicating your life to one message. Amazing.

I think the one thing I learned, is that there is this tension between knowing more and more about God and His ways…but never forgetting the simplistic message of who He is; love. I don’t want other things to become bigger than the foundation of all that I believe. I want my lense to be love, and I want everything I do to come from that place.

My hearts cry : [I don’t want anything to even get bigger than LOVE.]
As Leonard says, “Keep It Simple”

Peace. Love. Joy.

To learn more go to: http://www.salvationmountain.us/

Forward Motion.

Today I graduated 1st year at BSSM (Bethel School of Supernatural Ministry)....
it means a lot of things, but mainly it means a new season is right around the corner.

These past 9 months have been nothing less than transformational,
and I am so honored to of had the opportunity to be here in this wonderful culture.
I am forsure leaving a different person...
and nothing I did made that happen,
just simply resting in His love did.

I am excited for the next couple months of summer..
for the friends, family, adventures, and creativity.
I know it's going to be a summer to remember for ever.
I may not have much clarity on the future,
but one thing I know is He is sooo goood (probably even better than I think)
and He is not going to let me fail.
Simply abiding in Him is going to take me on the journey of a lifetime;
one of fulfilling destiny and discovering beauty.

My pray is and continues to be:
That I may know Him, and be known by Him.
My heart, if nothing else, is simply to know Him.
I want to immerse myself in my Abba's love and
I want Him to be able to say, "I know you, Brianna."
You can take all the details away, just give me intimacy with Abba.

So, as I depart from this epic season of my life....
one that I would have to say has been the most dynamic, influential times of my life,
I want to honor those who have sacrificed for me to be here today.

First and foremost my parents...without their leadership, love, and intimacy with Abba throughout my life who knows where I would be. I am so thankful for the foundation I have been given and the righteous inheritance I was born into. I am one blessed girl. :-)

And secondly, I want to honor Bill Johnson and Kris Vallotton,
I am so grateful that they chose Him above all else,
because if they didn't I would not be the person I am, right now, today, writing this.
Their hearts desire is to see the Kingdom of Heaven brought to earth,
and now that very desire is ingrained into my heart.
For that I am forever thankful.

So, on that note I will leave you with some end of the school year, defining quotes for me:
["Fire always falls on sacrifice." Bill Johnson]
["Your message isn't Bethel, it's King Jesus." Bill Johnson]
["The Lord never forgets what you do in secret." Kris Vallotton]




And, so the next exciting, joy filled, life journey begins! :)
Peace. Love. Joy.

[Happiness hit her like a train on a track.]

My year here at BSSM is wrapping up,
and I have such mixed emotions.
Excitement over what is next, and where God is taking me.
Sadness over leaving some of the most incredible people I have met in my life!

Reminiscing over these past 9 months is quite an insane experience in my mind...
so much has changed;
I have changed so much.

The other week I literally woke up and said to myself,
"Wow! I am honestly a whole different person then when I was in September!"
And, not in some weird christianeze sense either, but literally who I am is different. The real me has surfaced, and I quite like it if I do say so myself.
It's crazy to me that simply His love really invading my life has transformed me.

I think the greatest realization this year for me has simply been His grace.
An aspect of Him I never thought about has now daily become a relying factor for me in my life. I have come face to face with resting in Him, and laying down all striving...that alone can free one up beyond belief.

These past 9 month have been ones of laying down my dreams, my pursuits, and just allowing God to meet me where I am at and work on the foundation of my life; who I am and who He is in me.
It's been life changing.
I can honestly say I know who I am...
and everyday I get a glimpse more and more of who He is in me.

To sum it up: I am more alive than I have ever been in my life...
and it's all because I have one brilliant Abba, who decided I was worth everything He is to bring my soul to life again.

His goodness is overwhelming.
Period.

A week from now I begin my cross country venture home--
I am excited to read, write, experience cultures, hear stories, and just have fun with Abba :)
Home, I come...... different than ever.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Formulas.

Why is it that we make formulas for everything in life?
We(humanity) like to have an exact way of doing things,
and we believe if we find results with doing something a certain way then that in fact is the way the rest of humanity should do it and they will receieve the same results.

But, it's just not true.
Have you ever done something to get a result of some sort because a friend of yours got the result doing it the same way, but you don't get the result they get?

In our minds its so easier if we just have one way of doing something,
instead of just going with the "flow" of life and letting things just be organic so to speak.

I am learning to realize that I can't create formulas for things in my own life. I can't have it all figured out...I just can't.
It's a lot more free, and a lot scarier at times to just flow with life.
To narrow life down to simplicity;
To have one constant formula:
Jesus.

It may be scarier, but in the end it is freedom, to just live life in sync and not have to figure everything out.
I choose to not be safe...
but to live free from formulas,
and live simply because.


Peace. Love. Joy.

Beating alive.

I am sitting here...
here, at Starbucks..
sipping a lovely Carmel Machiatto.
Coffee always helps me to write better.
It's pure bliss.
:)

So many things floating through my mind presently.
You know that feeling of so many monumental moments that add up in a short span of time?
You almost feel like you could explode, you have to process it, there is almost no choice.
At least for me that is how it always ends up.
I think maybe because I so don't want to let moments pass me by,
they must be documented in my heart and processed in some form or fashion.

I spent a week in San Francisco on a missions trip, with the sole purpose of just going out on the streets...
with no agenda,
but to love...
to listen..
to hear stories.

I have learned to not go anywhere thinking I am the "change" people need,
but to go knowing I am going to be changed more than I could possibly imagine.

There were so many amazing people I had the priviledge to talk to..
its one thing talking about "loving", its a whole 'nother thing being confronted with complete brokenness and seeing God's love completely invade soemone's life.
I think that would probably sum up the trip, and every single, amazing person I came in contact with...
whether it was a prositute, or Cade, a guy shooting up while talking to me, or even a little girl from the ghetto telling me she had a dream of becoming a fashion desginer.
No matter who it was...when I talked to them, all I saw was pure Jesus love transforming them.
I saw them walking in their desitnies.
I saw them changing the world.
I saw them as complete and utter rockstars.

Yes, I got stretched.
Yes, I grew in the prophetic, and saw God rock people with it.
But, more then any of that I was able to catch a glimpse through my Abba's eyes.
And, that alone was worth more than any prophetic word, or any miracle.
I think each person I encountered showed me what life is really all about.
They showed me what really matters at the end of the day...
and that thing would be love...pure, Jesus love.

I will not be the same. Ever.
And, each person I came in contact with contributed to that.

Friends, live in the moment.
Live alive, right this second.
It's transforming.

Peace. Love. Joy.

ALIVE.

To be honest I have nothing profound to say.....
my deep thoughts have not arrived at a destination today haha :p

I feel like I am on the verge of a new season,
and it's exciting! :-)

I find God always knows what we need when we need it.
It's been an interesting season, one of deep healing, and one of coming smack in the face with His presence.

And, I feel that I am about to fly like I never have before.
It's exciting...
and it's coming,
not sure when..
but, soon.

Soo here is to being alive,
and continuing to dream,
and dreaming so more.

Man, oh man is my Abba brilliant :-)

I love that He never gives me any challenge or season in life, that He hasn't already prepared me for in advance.
AHHH, He is gooood!

Peace. Love. Joy.

Oh, and Polka Dota are wonderful. Just sayin'

Tread Lightly....

The past few days I have had the honor of listening to the Vicar of Baghdad, Andrew White.
I don't think I expected much when I heard he was coming,
simply because I had no idea who he was.

But, oh boy. Was I surprised!
His stories, the places he has been, and if you simply saw him you would think he would be the unlikeliest person.
I am telling you people, greatness is all about the inside. ;)

He has had so much favor to bring Jesus into the country of Iraq...
he definitely personifies an agent of change.
There is something about his stories that really caught my attention,
I don't know if its because I have a lot of Egyptian family whom are Muslims...
or the fact my eldest sister is going to end up bringing change to the middle east,(making it a much talked about thing in my home)
nonetheless, it really struck my heart.

I remember being younger and reading a book called Red Moon Rising,
in the book the author, while in Iraq tells this story that to this day has stuck with me. He talks about while driving through Iraq he made eye contact with a woman on the street and instantly he heard God say, "tread lightly for this is holy ground." That statement struck me so profoundly and has always stayed with me.
I think that having family members that have originated from that part of the world, has probably placed a sensitivity and love for the culture on the inside of me.

Andrew White shared a story today that I probably will never forget either,
actually two... ha :)
The first one was about a little boy, who when soldiers bombarded into the church, killing people left and right walked around behind them saying, "please don't kill anymore people, we just want peace." Eventually they turned around and shot the little boy, but there is something so profound about that to me. Nothing inside of him screamed fear, instead it screamed love, thus promoting a message of peace. He knew who his God was, and he was fighting for the love that was manifest on the inside of him, coming alive in the soldiers and the atmosphere around him. He died fighting for that very thing, and something on the inside of me tells me that his cause was one worth fighting for. He is a hero.

White told another story about three little boys being kidnapped from their church, they found them the next day, dead, having been cooked in an oven and placed over rice. That made my heart stop. To imagine that is horror. But, alas it happened. Not hundreds of years ago..but mearly months ago. I can only think how happy those three little boys are right now in Heaven with their Abba! :-) They too are heroes of our day.

Something on the inside of me made me realize that I know nothing of persecution in my world. I let stupid things trip me up, I allow the pettiest of things to entertain my mind,I can become so fearful in an instant. Yet, across the world there are people, every minute facing the constant reality of being slaughtered in some form or fashion, and yet they live in perfect peace.
It tells me one thing, they've experienced love.
And, there is no fear in love.
It tells me something else, I clearly haven't experienced enough love.
So my hearts cry?
"God, I need more of your love!"

There is this incredible passage in Isaiah 19 that White consistently referred too,
"In that day there will be a highway from Egypt to Assyria (present day Iraq). The Assyrians will go to Egypt and Egyptians to Assyria. The Egyptians and Assyrian's will worship together. In that day Israel will be the third, along with Egypt and Assyria, a blessing on the earth. The Lord Almighty will bless them, saying, "Blessed be Egypt my people, Assyria my handiwork, and Israel my inheritance."

Assyria, present day Iraq, those people, that nation is God's handiwork.
And, that is the promise that keeps them fighting onward.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Beauty lies within us all.

Do you ever get around certain people and you feel completely not great?
And, this thing rises up on the inside that says,
"you're amazing. you can prove it too...with this, and that, etc."
But, then I come back to reality..
"wait! I don't have to prove myself!"

It's crazy how being in a room with people who empower you,
and see your amazingness, your abilities, your talents...
they affirm who God made you to be;
you can totally feel it and it really makes you fly and grow.

But, you can also get in a room, where you feel not at all empowered,
in fact you feel looked down on, and no one seems to care whats on the inside of you.
And, I think depending on what you do and who you are around,
that mostly is what we face in life.

I think the battle in those moments is not having to prove yourself (because we all can),but knowing who you are, ignoring the criticism all around,
and still flying.. still growing..
even in the midst of being told, even if not spoken, "we just don't see greatness in you."

And, to be quite honest I think it comes down to,
"what exactly am I trying to prove?"
"who's opinion matters besides Abba?"
We have to retrain ourselves, to feel and know His pleasure,
no matter what the people around us are communicating to us.

I know I want to be a person who never despises or looks down upon any individual.
Just because, they may be more quiet, or may do things differently than me..
that doesn't give me a right to say they are not important, and that something great doesn't live on the inside of them.
I want to see the beauty in every person...the greatness each person has been called and destined to.
And, hey you never know who has what you need..
or who may need what you have.

Those are my thoughts for the day.
Oh, and as far as being healthier..
it's going wonderful!
Salads, and veggies all week! It's been quite lovely if I do say so myself. :-)

Peace. Love. Joy.

Ohhh, awkward places.

Today has been a bit weird...
actually, the past couple days have been.
It's like this weird feeling on the inside of me,
one I can't seem to nail.

I haven't been sleeping much lately,
I find my mind is racing, as well as my heart,
but not with anything in particular.
It's odd.

You know that complex space between your biggest dreams coming true,
and the journey it takes to get there?

There are so many moments I have to remind myself why I am doing what I am doing.
When processes seem useless, and uncomfortable its God who brings me back to the core of what I am after...
or more like, what He is after.
He brings me back to who He is,
and who I am in Him.
And, then the process doesn't look so bad.

But, I am not going to lie...
lately those "moments" of doubt have been happening a lot.
You know that awkward feeling when the grace lifts on a season,
and you feel God preparing you for transition,
but you have to wait for the transition to happen?

It's this place of knowing you're about to move on,
but realizing you haven't quite yet,
and you have to constantly remind yourself to finish strong.

So, yeah, that is where I am at today...March 23rd.
It's times like these though that I fall so much more in love with Abba,
and realize I need Him to constantly fill my heart so I can do just that..
finish strong!

Peace. Love. Joy.

One step closer to healthier...

Body image is such a huge thing in the world...
well, actually I think how we look in general is quite an obsession in the world.
We put so much emphasis on it, not just in the American culture, but all over the world...
it's hard not to get swept up into the obsession with perfecting oneself when it's constantly being thrown at us from every direction.

I have certaintly wracked many a moment thinking about how I can meet such outlandish standards thrown out into the air...
and not just Hollywood (because I know most of you reading this, probably went right there).
My theory?
I believe Hollywood, media, magazines, music etc.,
they feed off of OUR, yes your normal everyday person's, obsession with our looks.

I think it's hard to not think about it, when it seems everyone has an opinion on it...
I remember growing up, being a middle schooler and realizing that everyone had a comment on what I wore, what I looked like, and to be honest usually it wasn't my peer, it was the adults in my life...or not in my life, those who simply knew my parents, or showed up at one of our church events at some point.
It always made me wonder...why do they even care?
Can they just let ME be ME?
But despite my fight to do just that, be "me", I fell into obsessing over myself, and realizing, after much effort, I may never reach their expectations, wait..."what exactly is their expectation for me?", I wondered.

Anytime I would come to a semi-content place, someone else would have an opinion,
and of course to keep it to themselves would be just outright crazy it seemed.

I have really come to a place though, where I could care less about one's opinion of me, I am certainly content with who I am..
why? I think because I know Abba created me perfect, and everything about me He absolutely loves. I think when you come in contact with His vast love for you, it drowns out the opinions of man, and all that is left is His opinion, and in that you become quite satisfied with yourself.
I find myself, when overwhelmed by man's thoughts on me, turning towards Him, and thanking Him for making me...and listing things, I quite like about myself..
whether is my freckles, or blue eyes.
Call it vain if you may,
I call it focusing on the goodness of God, and the person He created me to be and thought up before the beginning of time.

All this to say, I am on this journey of becoming healthier...
not because I want to strive to meet man's expectations again,
but because I want to take care of this ONE body I have been given.
I really do believe that coming to the "right" reason for being healthier changes everything.

Don't get me wrong, I am not some crazy obsessed soda person (in fact, I hate soda..always have!)
And, neither am I frantickly running through McDonald's for a doss of my daily fried food.
I eat, mostly veggies and lean meat...
and of course have an obsession with coffee,
possibly my downfall, alas, no time soon shall that change..it just is pure bliss ;)

BUUUT, I want to take it a step farther..
recently I took out sugar (except for natural), bread, and milk from my diet.
(I am not advising you do that, do what you think is best for your body and what you're trying to achieve in the realm of health).
I also am working towards exercising a lot..
I have certainly been one in life to pencil in working out into my agenda,
but often I let life take over and end up killing my routine.

I thought if I wrote about it and kept myself accountable in some weird way through my blog, I may just do better this take at it.
So, here is to me taking one day at a time and taking care of this wonderful body I have been given to live in....
I hope you enjoy the journey with me, and if anything take into account the amazing person God created you to be, and all that is so beautiful about YOU, and that which makes up your person!

Peace. Love. Joy.

Greatness.

It's crazy to me how much we, as humanity walk around judging people's greatness by what we see on the outside....
who one knows...
what one is good at.. etc.

There's something inside of me that believes greatness lies on the inside,
and nothing one does can give or take that away.

What if the greatness within someone that has the ability to change the world as we know it is going unnoticed simply because we dwell on the little glimpses we get of one's "outside" life?

Why not live life in such a way you see the greatness within every person you come in contact with?

They may just have what you need..
they may just have a little part of what can change the world itself.

Something to ponder....

Peace. Love. Joy.

OUR plans.

Recently God has really been dealing with me personally, as well as showing me how much in humanity we create "our plan".

It's like we see where we are going, whatever area of society we want to influence, the church included, and we create this grand plan and strategy to make a "difference".

The other week I heard God start laughing,
He said, "brianna your plans, your strategies they really mean nothing."
Huh? I wondered, but then I heard Him say,
"it's really my presence, ME, that makes or breaks this thing."

I had this realization, that my strategy, my "plan", it really meant nothing,
unless it was simply a detail of the overwhelming goal of just being with Him.
Then from that place of being with Him, living life from Him.

I want to dig a well soooo deep with Him, that no matter where I go in life my History with Him is so vast that in an instance I can turn and He is there; His presence is there.
That's what I want.

At the end of the day no matter where I go, it's all going to come down to one thing..
my history with Abba.
That is what makes or breaks my life.
That is what dictates the influence I am going to have.
That is what determines my victory.
Him.

Peace. Love. Joy.

The simplicity of life.....

Simplicity.
I hear it echoing through the crevices of my heart....
what does simplicity look like?
how about a simple life?

More than ever my life has been narrowed down to one thing...
Him, and His presence.
I realize it all comes down to that in my life.
I fear less...
I worry less...
when it is as simple as me and Him.

I have this peace that He is going to open so many doors in my life,
doors I wouldn't have even thought to open..much less try.

His goodness has come to overwhelm who I am.
Everyday I find myself enraptured by who He is.
I don't want to spend time with Him because I need something from Him (although He does provide for my needs),
I spend time with Him because He is oh so lovely.
He is brilliant.
He is gracious.
He is GOOOOOOOOD.
I just love Him.

And, that is the simplicity of my life..
no matter where I go in my lifetime,
or what I do...
it all comes down to me and Him,
and at the end of my life...
I want to have the greatest history with Him that I can possibly have...
that is my pursuit in life.

"If you miss the small thing, you'll miss the big thing. Life in the Spirit is about the simple things."

"Greatness is really doing the simple things well-to the point of excellence."

Both of those are quotes from Graham Cooke....and both are immensely brilliant.

Peace. Love. Joy.

The beauty of not proving oneself.

I've been thinking....
yes, I tend to think quite a bit....
I have been thinking how much humanity uses talents, things, materials etc to validate who they are.
We do it more than we think....I think. :p

We try to validate ourselves with who we know,
what we are good at,
what we have...
the list goes on.

And, I am not saying I am exempt,
in fact, I think the very reason I have been thinking about it,
is because God has really been teaching me about the brilliance of not have to prove anything.

I have found, its so much more amazing to just be me.
Me without my gifts put on display.
Me without my connections known to all....
and so on and so forth.

I am pretty amazing just because I am me.
Not because of who I know, what I am good at, or what I own.

It's beautiful to not have to prove anything.
And, so that's what I am going for in life....
just simply being....
me,
Brianna Shea Geeslin.
Nothing more, and nothing less.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Being drawn away.

I find my Abba drawing me away....
more and more He beckons me to come...
"Brianna, let's go on an adventure", He whispers.

He brings me to this place,
just me and Him;
a place of extravagant beauty and peace.

A place where His love for me unfolds
and begins to wash over me.
Wave after wave of His love hits me,
and I feel my heart begin to come alive.

My heart begins to dance inside my chest,
pulsating...boom, boom, boom.
Next thing I know,
it's as if my heart is being ripped from my chest,
and being put in Abba's hands.

And then as quickly as He took it from me....
He places it back.

What is this sensation?
What am I feeling pulsating through my veins?
Ahh, thats it...
I feel restoration
I feel peace,
I feel love.

I don't try and make my brain understand,
I just know I am different now,
and I always will be.

Suddenly, the world is a different place.
People are different.
Everything is alive in my eyes.

Could it be that one enounter changes everything?

Peace. Love. Joy.

I am sitting in my kitchen, sipping a nice cup of joe :) mmmm...that alone can put a smile on my face.
Gong through my mind?
Doed God KNOW me?
In the sense of wanting to be known by Him...
not simply that He knows me by name and knows all the hairs on my head (as the Bible says)....
But, have I, Brianna spent time with Him ALONE enough to be actually known by Him.
Have I created my own history with my Abba?
or is it about everything else we do in the Christian world?

I've been thinking lately about all the giftings we are given as Children of God,
and they are truly awesome....
but what happens when that is stripped away,
what is lying in the depths of our heart?
Is it void, or is there an outrageous love affair taking place?

To be super honest with you, I think in the hustle and bustle of just being here at Bethel, and learning so much and being stretched etc. etc.....
it can be hard to get that secret time with Jesus in.
And, I am so convicted....
All I want to be concerned with is Him...
everything else will flow out of that.

What is going to change the world above all else?
I believe it's when we consistently have encounters with the Heart and love of God, and then share those encounters with the world...and live from that place...
and that is place where the world sees Jesus for who He is, and come running into His arms.
That is my theory of sorts. (which I believe to be quite right :p)

I encourage you guys, spend that alone time with Jesus.
Just YOU and HIM in the secret place.
Allow Him to draw you away.
Where His thoughts become Yours.
Where His secrets become Yours.
And live life from that place.

"But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."
(Matthew 6:6)

Peace. Love. Joy.

I find myself in this place of, what I like to call, victory.
Yes, you heard me--I feel victorious.

Here I am, January 2011.
Freer than ever.
I have to admit, although I hung on to hope for a long time,
there were many times I doubted if I'd ever see it play out in my life.
I am here to tell you, I certainly have.

I find I am in this place, where the battles of my past, day by day are becoming so distant.

There is this rebuilding stage in life..
after usually, an all time low.
It's when all you have is hope.
It's this place of perseverance, even when it's so hard to see the light at the end.
Often times, I had to simply use my imagination and hope it would one day become a reality.

Then, out of no where you wake up and you feel alive..
not simply, out of imagination..
but literally your soul is bursting through your chest.
Every part of your being is alive.

You look back on your past battles, and you realize the fear, the anxiety..
the challenges you faced day to day; it seems so distant.
"Was that really me dealing with that?"
It feels almost like it was all a dream.

I am finding day by day, the things that kept me back from destiny seem so distant.
I will always rememeber my story though,
because in the story lies the promise.
In the promise lies my destiny.
I do think the "feelings" of my story diminish though,
because its not longer a reality in my life.

But, it is my story...
an important one too.
God is so faithful..
that He would being me to a place of victory in areas I once saw no hope for.
He is goooooood.
He is brilliant.
I am so thankful for His grace and mercy in my life.

I am thankful for the journey ahead,
and all I will accomplish and grow in day by day.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Me VS. Grace

Why Hello World.
It's been a couple weeks since I have posted.
And, sheeeesh God has been teaching me soo much.
I love that He is so patient, I can tell you that much :)

This whole idea of "rest" and living from a place of "rest" has been on my mind for quite sometime now. I feel like it's this big mystery I unravel day by day. I find new aspects of it continuously I feel. I suppose everything is a process, eh? ;)

The other day in church one of the leaders here at school got up and was sharing a word the Lord has given him. He began to speak about how we are God's work and how can work work? We are the clay and He is the potter. We simply need to yield to Him and allow Him to make us into the very thing He has desired since the beginning of time. All of this "work" we try to do to get His attention, or to be a better person...it's really worthless. He simply wants to mold us and make us. I don't know about you, but that completely freed me in such a new degree.
I took it and stuck it within my heart to ponder (I tend to do this a whole lot...ohh deep thinking).

A few days later in class, another leader got up during worship and began to share about "grace" and how He gives us the grace for the mountain(s) we are facing in our lives.
It really hit me strong (as I do have my mountains).
I realized a) I never think about His grace. Almost never. b) I had been trying in my own power (haha..what a joke) to defeat the areas (ermm mountains) in my life that I was aware of. It left me in such a humbling place.
Oh, how freeing to know God has got all the grace I need for my mountains.
I don't have to work to try to defeat it, I simply just abide in Him and allow His grace to wash over me.
Ahh! It makes my heart so happy just talking about it.
He is all I need. He has got me in the palm of His hands.
He is molding me into the exact person He created me to be.
How exciting.
And, all I have to do is say, "here I am".
Seriously, that is phenomenal to me.
He is so outrageous, my friends.

I hope this brings hope and freedom to your heart.
Rest in Him, and allow His grace to be enough for you.
Quit "working"...it's not part of your DNA. :)

"So too, at the present time there is a remnant chosen by grace. And if by grace, then it is no longer by works; if it were, grace would no longer be grace."
(Romans 11:5&6)

Peace. Love. Joy.

Norman Rockwell.

Over my Christmas Break I got to go see a collection of Norman Rockwell's paintings that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg had collected.

1) It was in D.C. probably my favorite city in the world.. :)
2) I was pleasantly surprised by what the paintings would do to my heart.

When I was around 10ish my family actually went to Rockwell's home in MA and saw some paintings, but of course at 10 my interest level was pretty much zero.
I remember walking in and knowing I was about to view something really dynamic because I overheard all the grown ups talking about the significance of the art...but, still at 10 I didn't have much appreciation for what I saw.
I was most likely thinking about going to kick my soccer ball (because, soccer was my "world" then haha).

My oldest Sister told me there was this exhibit in D.C. and so we went.
I can't say I was anticipating much, I was much more excited about being back in the city I love after being away from home in California.
I was in desperate need of some east coast sophistication if you know what I mean. ;)

We stood in line waiting to get in for quite a bit (much of that time was spent people watching might I add), but once we got in, I read the first little plague about exactly who this "Rocwell" was, in summary of course.
And, it hit me...he was pretty talented, and pretty important to the history of my beautiful country.

As I browsed through the paintings on the walls of this crowded exhibit,
I realized something, Rockwell was much more than simply an artist who drew a painting.
He told a story with his art.
He insprired hope with his art.

He was able to take a simple canvas and transform it into this live picture motion for all to see, and all to interpret. How profound? How gifted?

As we walked into the little cube of a room to watch a 12 minute clip of Spielburg & Lucas discussing the paintings and why they collected the ones they did,
something Spielberg said caught my attention.
He said this,and of course I am paraphrasing, "Rockwell could have been a filmmaker, probably a very good filmmaker. But, he painted and I am so happy he did because now he inspires the filmmakers to make better films."

What an impact this one gifted man had on the world around him..
not just during his era, but even today effecting the very "art" we see.

I think the thing the most impacted me was the fact, this man, Norman,
had a gift.
But, he saw beyond it.
He could have just painted to paint.
But he painted to tell stories.
He painted to inspire the people around him.
He painted to spark hope in a time that America, let's be honest, was pretty much out of it.
He painted to make a difference and to transform the way the people saw the world.
He made an impact with his gift.

I love that.
I want to do that.
I don't want to do things to simply do them.
I want to inspire.
I want to tell stories.
I want to transform the world.

Here are a few of my favorite paintings:

They say its 2011.....

2010.

Whew. This past year flew by insanely fast.
It was a good year I must admit.
One that went from the darkest hour of my life to the most amazing, hopeful hour of my life.

One year ago, today, the first of 2010, I was in Ireland.
It was such an amazing experience, and I love that country hands down.
In the midst of a lot of pain, and hopelessness being realized,
a love for that country was birthed inside my soul as well.
A love I cannot dismiss.
I plan to get back there next chance and see my dreams for that country come to life.

I came back from that trip realizing something very important:
I was not okay.
I needed Jesus' love to come heal a lot in my heart.
And, so 2010 started out on a journey of the heart.

It was really hard in the beginning;
processing through things that had built up on the walls of my heart since birth.

But, the last 5 months or so I've seen freedom like never before.
I've watched God come simply with His amazing love and heal my heart and in turn transform my life.
Life's always a process, and I think there is always more to grow,
bigger places to dream with Him...
so I certainly haven't arrived, but I have become a different person,
or maybe it's safe to say the "me" that was always there, just buried under lots of pain, has come out.

Abba is soo good to me.
I am beyond excited to see where He takes me in this year.
The adventures with Him are endless.
How exciting :)

So here is to the wonderful year of 2011,
a year that has been in the heart of my Abba for awhile.
Here is to the awesome things He has set up for me in this next year to stumble upon.

And, for the fun of it..
Here's to hopefully going to Israel, Greece, and Ireland.
To owning a Chanel Purse.
To learning to dance.
And, to flying first class forever and always.

(My selfish 2011 plans hahah :)
And, for some odd reason I just think He cares enough ;)

I'll leave you with a passage from one of my favorite books in the Bible, Isaiah. Enjoy :) This one is going to mark 2011 for me....

"Listen to me, you islands;
hear this, you distant nations;
Before I was born the Lord called me;
from my birth He has made mention of my name.
He made my mouth like a sharpened sword, in the shadow of His hand He hid me;
He made me into a polished arrow and concealed me in His quiver.
He said to me, "You are my servant, Israel, in whom I will display my splendor."
(Isaiah 49:1-3)