Restless Discomfort.

In every generation there are those that rise,
they rise above the status quo,
above what people say is the norm.
They decide to not simply fit in with those around them,
but to literally infect those around them.
Infect with what you ask?
The beautiful pursuit of their heart,
to one thing, and one thing alone,
their beautiful Jesus!

It's the very essence of who they are,
they allow this man named Jesus,
to shape their very identity.
He becomes the focus of their lives,
their every thought, their every breath.

When we look back upon the people who have walked the earth before us,
these burning ones stick out like sore thumbs.
Amy Carmichael, A.W. Tozer, Keith Green, Corrie Ten Boom, Jonathan Edwards, Oswald Chambers.
To name a few.
When you look at each man or woman,
the underlying thing that consumed every fiber of their being was Jesus...
and Jesus alone.
These burning ones, they were so consumed by the call.
They had mass amounts of people falling on their faces,
just simply because of their burning passion.
They were, simply put,
consumed, with one thing...
His heart.
Their desire, their whole life was based around...
Loving the ones He loves,
Moving where He moves,
being who He is.

I want that.
I don't want complacency.
I want to rise above the status quo in my generation.
I want to love the one's no one loves.
I want the prostitutes, the druggies,
the untouchables.
And, I want to be blessed with a restless discomfort all the days of my life.
So that I never become complacent in this.
That I ever burn with a fiery passion shut up in my bones.

The one thing, I want constantly playing on my mind, is this radical quote from Leanord Ravenhill:
"Are the things you're living for, worth Christ dying for?"

Peace.Love.Joy.

Uncomfortable.

We as humans, we long to be comfortable.
Comfortable is ultimately natural for us.
We enjoy it, we seek it out.

The thing is when we create a comfortable relationship with our Jesus...
we get to this point with Him where we've experienced a lot, and we are satisfied with that.
Then we stop, and we stay in that little spot, and we ultimately create our own little Jesus,
because we don't allow Him to be Him. We don't allow Him to take us to new places.
We just decide to settle in, and get cozy with what is comfortable to us.

Ah, how I pray I ever stay humble before His beautiful face,
so that I may never become comfortable.
I want to forever be uncomfortable.
I want to wake up every day with a challenge...
a challenge to go deeper...
wider..
higher.
I want to fly.
And then I want to fly again and again to new places with Him;
never becoming satisfied.
That is my pray for my life, that whatever happens down this journey I am on,
that I never, ever get comfortable.

Peace.Love.Joy.

Following the call.

Sometimes, I think it would be so much easier NOT to follow the "call",
it would be so much easier to not be consumed with all of that.
But, then I think about how every waking moment I didn't follow the "call",
that exact thing would constantly be whispering in my ear, pounding on my chest.
I could never escape it...
it would always be apart of me,
I could never change that.
My very DNA breathes the "call",
and it really is the only purpose of my existence.
So, I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to embrace what is hard, because in the end the satisfaction I get from following the "call" on my life is so much greater than anything that I had to conquer to get there. In the end, when I look back, the battle it took to get where I am, it will seem like nothing at all.
I will only be able to bask in His goodness, His love,
the very essence of who He is.
So, I say come whatever it may,
just so I can experience that beautiful bliss of serving Him,
that nothing in this world could come close to fulfilling in me.
I can't fight who I was made to be; the very essence of who I am.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Eighteen.

Well, here it is, my birthday.
18, by the rule books, is special, so I've heard.
This "monumental" day has made me really ponder my life and ultimately my beautiful Jesus.
Dang, is He amazing! His grace, His mercy, His love, is truly new every morning.
To think that I get the privilege to praise Him through whatever comes in my life, is truly astonishing to me.
He is so truly beautiful.

I was thinking today, everyone has something that defines them.
I have met people that allow looks to define them,
some that allow academics to define them,
some that allow athletics to define them,
and any other thing you can think of.
We all do it, so the real underlying question is what will you let define you Brianna?
And not just cliche-ly saying what will define me,
but really living what defines me.
It got me thinking... I really only what Jesus to define me.
I would give it all up, everything & anything.
In the end it just doesn't matter to me.

On the most hard, most hopeless days of my life, I look back and see the steadfastness of my Jesus! When I had no hope, He was the hope. When I had no vision, He was the vision. I look back on the obstacles I have faced in my life, the decisions that have led me to where I am today, and I can only look up and smile because truly without Him I don't know where I would be today.
But, I do know I wouldn't be the same person.
I wouldn't have the hope, the vision, the life that He has given me.

To this next year of my life, my prayer is that I live my life truly alive. With all that I am, all that I do.

If I do anything in this life, I just want to touch the one.
The one with no hope, no vision.
I would be satisfied with just that one.

So, to 18 years of life...
it's been a journey,
a beautiful one!
=)

Deep.

Have you noticed how being "deep" seems to have become this big claim?
Everyone wants to be "deep".
In the world, in the church...
deep.
Hmmm..
so I got to thinking, "do we even know what deep is?"
And if we do... it wouldn't be so deep anymore, right?
I think that we can't even begin to fathom what "deepness" is.
I want Jesus to define it for me. I want to know His version of deep.
And, at the same time I never want to be satisfied with what "deep" is.
I want it to always amaze and astound me.
Random thought.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Jonathan Edwards.

This is something Jonathan Edwards wrote, it's totally something that God has been showing me for awhile now. I thought you would enjoy it in the words of a profound and great man. Enjoy!

Not long after I first began to experience these things, I gave an account to my father of some things that had passed in my mind. I was pretty much affected by the discourse we had together; and when the discourse was ended, I walked abroad alone, in a solitary place in my father's pasture, for contemplation. And as I was walking there, and looking up on the sky and clouds, there came into my mind so sweet a sense of the glorious majesty and grace of God, that I know not how to express. I seemed to see them both in a sweet conjunction; majesty and meekness joined together; it was a sweet and gentle, and holy majesty; and also a majestic meekness; and awful sweetness; a high and great, and holy gentleness.
After this my sense of divine things gradually increased, and became more and more lively and had more of that inward sweetness. The appearance of every thing was altered; there seemed to be as it were, a calm, sweet cast, or appearance of divine glory in almost every thing. God's excellency, his wisdom, his purity and love, seemed to appear in every thing; in the sun, and moon, and stars: in the clouds and blue sky; in the grass, flowers, trees; in the water and all nature; which used greatly to fix my mind. I often used to sit and view the moon for continuance; and in the day spent much time in viewing the clouds and sky, to behold the sweet glory of God in these things; in the mean time, singing forth, with a low voice, my contemplations of the Creator and Redeemer. And scarce any thing, among all the works of nature, was so sweet to me as thunder and lightning; formerly, nothing had been so terrible to me. Before, I used to be uncommonly terrified with thunder, and to be struck with terror when I saw a thunderstorm rising; but now, on the contrary, it rejoiced me. I felt God, so to speak, at the first appearance of a thunderstorm; and used to take the opportunity at such times, to fix myself in order to view the clouds, and see the lightnings play, and hear the majestic and awful voice of God's thunder, which oftentimes was exceedingly entertaining, leading me to sweet contemplations of my great and glorious God. While thus engaged, it always seemed natural to me to sing, or chant forth my meditations; or, to speak my thoughts in soliloquies with a singing voice.
My sense of divine things seemed gradually to increase, until I went to preach at New York, which was about a year and a half after they began; and while I was there, I felt them, very sensibly, in a much higher degree than I had done before. My longings after God and holiness were much increased. Pure and humble, holy and heavenly Christianity appeared exceedingly amiable to me. I felt a burning desire to be in every thing a complete Christian; and conformed to the blessed image of Christ; and that I might live, in all things according to the pure, sweet, and blessed rules of the gospel. I had an eager thirsting after progress in these things; which put me upon pursuing and pressing after them. It was my continual strife day and night, and constant inquiry, how I should be more holy, and live more holily, and more becoming a child of God and a disciple of Christ. I now sought an increase of grace and holiness, and a holy life, with much more earnestness than ever I sought grace before I had it. I used to be continually examining myself, and studying and contriving for likely ways and means, how I should live holily with far greater diligence and earnestness, than ever I pursued any thing in my life; but yet with too great a dependence on my own strength; which afterwards proved a great damage to me. My experience had not then taught me, as it has done since, my extreme feebleness and impotence, every manner of way; and the bottomless depths of secret corruption and deceit there was in my heart. However, I went on with my eager pursuit after more holiness, and conformity to Christ.
I have a much greater sense of my universal, exceeding dependence on God's grace and strength, and mere good pleasure, of late, than I used formerly to have; and have experienced more of an abhorrence of my own righteousness. The very thought of any joy arising in me, on any consideration of my own amiableness, performances, or experiences, or any goodness of heart or life, is nauseous and detestable to me. And yet I am greatly afflicted with a proud and selfrighteous spirit, much more sensibly than I used to be formerly. I see that serpent rising and putting forth its head continually, every where, all around me.
Though it seems to me, that, in some respects, I was a far better Christian, for two or three years after my first conversion, than I am now; and lived in a more constant delight and pleasure; yet, of late years, I have had a more full and constant sense of the absolute sovereignty of God, and a delight in that sovereignty; and have had more of a sense of the glory of Christ, as a Mediator revealed in the gospel. On one Saturday night, in particular, I had such a discovery of the excellency of the gospel above all other doctrines, that I could not but say to myself, "This is my chosen light, my chosen doctrine"; and of Christ. "This is my chosen Prophet." It appeared sweet, beyond all expression to follow Christ, and to be taught, and enlightened and instructed by him; to learn of him, and live to him. Another Saturday night (January, 1739) I had such a sense, how sweet and blessed a thing it was to walk in the way of duty; to do that which was right and meet to be done, and agreeable to the holy mind of God; that it caused me to break forth into a kind of loud weeping, which held me some time, so that I was forced to shut myself up, and fasten the doors. I could not but, as it were, cry out. "How happy are they which do that which is right in the sight of God! They are blessed indeed, they are the happy ones!" I had, at the same time, a very affecting sense, how meet and suitable it was that God should govern the world, and order all things according to His own pleasure; and I rejoiced in it, that God reigned, and that His will was done.

Summer.

Summer.
Summer to me usually ends a season of life, and it usually ends with a particular theme.
In one word, I would sum up this summer as bittersweet.
Bitter, because it was probably one of the worst summer's of my life. & yes, I can honestly say that.
Sweet, because in the midst of some of the most hard and depressing days of my life my Jesus took me through a process. He slowed down life, showed me the simple things, the things about Himself.
I saw Jesus when all the nicey, nice stuff was gone. When all the self righteousness and pride we make Him to be is gone...just who He REALLY was.

Jesus became simple to me. HE showed me that christianity really isn't all the work we make it to be. It isn't about proving ourselves and our love for Jesus to others. We make it that though...we create this movement of show, and then label it "Jesus". But Jesus just dosen't care much about our "show", HE just wants us to love HIM, plain and simple. TO stop working at it. We make what HE calls plain and simple, so complicated when we create an atmosphere and christianity around us of self righteousness & pride.

Jesus became simple to me. When everything we build up and make HIM to be is stripped away and it is just HIM, and us. SIMPLE. SO BEAUTIFUL.

Now, as summer winds down and the next "season" begins, I pray it won't be as hard. But also, that the Jesus I came to know wouldn't leave my mind. That the simple things about HIM will forever stay etched on my heart. That I won't stray away from the simple.

Peace. Love. Joy.