The past 6+ months of my life have been some of the most unimagined, unexplainable, months I have ever been in. Trust me when I say, I've been through some pretty crazy seasons of life....nothing like the present, though.
What do you do when all you know, is no longer what you thought? You grow up in this world with "lenses"; the way in which you see and interpret the world. But, then tragedy hits and the world you invested so much in doesn't know quite know how to handle it. It completely changes ones view of the world they thought they knew, and which they held so close.
You see, I grew up in the "church" world. My Dad has been a pastor since I popped out, well he has been up until the previous months events. What do you do when you live in this world, and yes we all belong to some "world" of sorts--our worldview, our thoughts, our perceptions, they are all a result of what we've known and seen.
I think the present predicament I find myself in, is that of not fully understanding the thinking of the culture with which I grew up in. Why? Because, as soon as fault was found, loyalty was no longer there, friendship was no longer there, kindness was absent (except for those people who do "kind" gestures to ease their heavy consciousness). How can we preach about a man names Jesus, who in all his divine acts on earth was solely, love; everything He did amounted to love--and, yet we are incapable of love ourselves. Oh, yes we can love when it's easy--who can't? But, when there is fault found, love, well it vanishes.
I grew up knowing Jesus as a man who was love, and thus my obvious next assumption was that the church was full of individuals of like manner. And, no this isn't a blog about bashing the church, and their inability to love. I don't fault anyone. Rather, this is about my process of walking away from the wreckage, and trying to process what I've seen, with what I've known Jesus to be.
See, I don't think it has much to do with Jesus at all anymore. I think we create our own set of rules, of what is right and wrong, and what God forgives and what He just couldn't possibly forget. We don't ever ask Him, what He would do in a situation with a red-blood sinner....no, how could we? I mean, taking a quick stroll through the Bible brings us to the conclusion that He didn't mind sin so much, as He longed for relationship.
What we are left with when we take Jesus out of the equation, is just a bunch of rules we've created tacked onto our chests. I think we just can't fathom the depth of love He has for us, and therefore how could be possibly imagine the love He has for others, and that same love He asks us to display.
Here I am, searching for that "alive" feeling again trying to reassemble what we call life after the wreckage. I don't blame those who didn't know better, that isn't my conclusion. My conlusion? Well, I think its simply that the church needs to get back to the one on one with Abba. If there is anything I have learned the past crazy, chaotic, messy months, it's that people have not allowed Abba to love them. People don't understand the vastness of who He is, of the forgiveness and redemption He represents. We must get back to square one. Me and Him. You and Him. Because, if we don't, we just end up leaving individuals, and families left high and dry, with no evidence of Jesus involved.
Thankfully, for me, for my family--we knew Him, and we embraced Him, when those who "follow" Him simply couldn't.
So, here is to rebuilding---to finding the "alive" feeling.
I hope you can as well--whatever circumstances you find yourself in.
Peace. Love. Joy.
2 comments:
Very powerful sharing. I remember the account when Jesus laid it on the line about himself. Many of his "disciples" left and no longer followed him. It was a needed thinning out. It's a hard thing to swallow but Redeemer needed such a thinning out. I've felt the feeling of having people I invested many years in put a knife in my back. It's a hard thing but there will always be a few that will be there no matter what. Cherish those and, as you said, rebuild. I look at your family and wish there was something I could do to take the pain away but I can't. What I can do is be there to help the rebuilding.
Very powerful sharing. I remember the account when Jesus laid it on the line about himself. Many of his "disciples" left and no longer followed him. It was a needed thinning out. It's a hard thing to swallow but Redeemer needed such a thinning out. I've felt the feeling of having people I invested many years in put a knife in my back. It's a hard thing but there will always be a few that will be there no matter what. Cherish those and, as you said, rebuild. I look at your family and wish there was something I could do to take the pain away but I can't. What I can do is be there to help the rebuilding.
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