Searching for the "alive" feeling.

The past 6+ months of my life have been some of the most unimagined, unexplainable, months I have ever been in. Trust me when I say, I've been through some pretty crazy seasons of life....nothing like the present, though.

What do you do when all you know, is no longer what you thought? You grow up in this world with "lenses"; the way in which you see and interpret the world. But, then tragedy hits and the world you invested so much in doesn't know quite know how to handle it. It completely changes ones view of the world they thought they knew, and which they held so close.

You see, I grew up in the "church" world. My Dad has been a pastor since I popped out, well he has been up until the previous months events. What do you do when you live in this world, and yes we all belong to some "world" of sorts--our worldview, our thoughts, our perceptions, they are all a result of what we've known and seen.

 I think the present predicament I find myself in, is that of not fully understanding the thinking of the culture with which I grew up in. Why? Because, as soon as fault was found, loyalty was no longer there, friendship was no longer there, kindness was absent (except for those people who do "kind" gestures to ease their heavy consciousness). How can we preach about a man names Jesus, who in all his divine acts on earth was solely, love; everything He did amounted to love--and, yet we are incapable of love ourselves. Oh, yes we can love when it's easy--who can't? But, when there is fault found, love, well it vanishes.

I grew up knowing Jesus as a man who was love, and thus my obvious next assumption was that the church was full of individuals of like manner. And, no this isn't a blog about bashing the church, and their inability to love. I don't fault anyone. Rather, this is about my process of walking away from the wreckage, and trying to process what I've seen, with what I've known Jesus to be.

See, I don't think it has much to do with Jesus at all anymore. I think we create our own set of rules, of what is right and wrong, and what God forgives and what He just couldn't possibly forget. We don't ever ask Him, what He would do in a situation with a red-blood sinner....no, how could we? I mean, taking a quick stroll through the Bible brings us to the conclusion that He didn't mind sin so much, as He longed for relationship.

What we are left with when we take Jesus out of the equation, is just a bunch of rules we've created tacked onto our chests. I think we just can't fathom the depth of love He has for us, and therefore how could be possibly imagine the love He has for others, and that same love He asks us to display.

Here I am, searching for that "alive" feeling again trying to reassemble what we call life after the wreckage. I don't blame those who didn't know better, that isn't my conclusion. My conlusion? Well, I think its simply that the church needs to get back to the one on one with Abba. If there is anything I have learned the past crazy, chaotic, messy months, it's that people have not allowed Abba to love them. People don't understand the vastness of who He is, of the forgiveness and redemption He represents. We must get back to square one.  Me and Him. You and Him. Because, if we don't, we just end up leaving individuals, and families left high and dry, with no evidence of Jesus involved.

Thankfully, for me, for my family--we knew Him, and we embraced Him, when those who "follow" Him simply couldn't.

So, here is to rebuilding---to finding the "alive" feeling.
I hope you can as well--whatever circumstances you find yourself in.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Twenty-Twelve.

2011 has been an adventure to say the least.
It's been one of the hardest, but also one of the most profound in many ways.

I remember being asked a year ago, while in a room with several people, "what is 2011 going to be for you?" I responded with complete confidence and assurance, "a year of dreams being realized."

Looking back over the year, there were many unexpected, less than amazing events that have come my may. But, I have to say that, indeed it was a year of dreams being realized.

I've embarked and embraced so many different things this year,here is my attempt at rounding it up:
Friendships, some of the best I may ever have. A relationship. Fashion school. Running a 5k. Started a fashion blog. Yacht trips. Started painting. Began expanding my designing skills. Road tripped across the country, from CA to MD. Went to Elizabethtown (a lifelong ambition ;). Went to Salvation Mountain. Learned to Golf. Fell in love with San Francisco.Traveled the Oregon Coast. Saw Les Miserable at the Kennedy Center. Went to a Ballet. Saw Bon Iver live. Met Kelly Cutrone (AHHH!)......just to name a few.

I am not a big fan of resolutions, more so of daily living life alive, continually dreaming, and always setting and achieving goals. There are lots I wish to accomplish this year, and I believe whole heartedly I will. To start with though, I am simply going to wake up day after day, in awe of Abba, and live the journey with Him. I just don't see how that could lead to any regret.

Here is to twenty twelve my friends. I am excited for all that's ahead :)

I believe this year will be one of dreams, dreams, and even more dreams. The process of daily seeing dreams realized and of finding beauty in the mundane.

He is good. All the time.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Christmas Time.

Around the world we celebrated Christmas yesterday.
It meant a lot of things, to a lot of different people.
It came in a lot of different ways, to so many people.
And, the day came, no matter what was going on in every person's life.

Here, I am, a day after Christmas.
I am 20  years old, and not once in my life has Christmas meant what it has this year.

Every year we are confronted with church service after church service, telling us, "Christmas isn't about gifts, it's about the birth of Jesus, and all He represents." We all nod in enthusiastic agreement, and consciously we completely agree--as I have the past years of my life, (at least the one's I was actually old enough to agree haha)

In the months leading up to this Christmas, my family has been confronted with quite the crisis.
We have found ourselves, solely only having one another.
Being stripped of all "friends" we knew....in the most literal sense.

Last week, in the midst of one of my weekly "breakdowns" as the family has come to call them.
You know?  That sudden realization of the entirety of the situation--the comforting the family member who is mourning on that particular day, unable to stand against the heaviness of the situation.
I just didn't have the usual "Christmas" excitement, that usually begins to happen weeks before the big day.
All, I could feel was sadness, and honestly not much hope.

I felt God begin to ask me though, "what is Christmas, when all the "feelings" are stripped away?"
I began to say to myself, all I've heard my whole life; "this is the season where the love, and more importantly the hope of who Jesus is, is characterized." It hit me, that in all times of the year that this crisis could happen, this really is the most perfect time. What we need the most? Hope. Is the thing most emphasized about Jesus right now.

So, Merry Christmas...coming, from the girl who thought she had clung onto "hope" in the past,
but is realizing I am just beginning to grasp what HOPE is really all about.

Learning to release the ones, who don't know better, we are all mearly human.
Learning to bless those who curse....when my life really depends on it.
Learning to pick up, and keep climbing, keep pursuing,
and keep hoping.

My family may not have the natural comfort of having friends stand with us,
but one thing we do have is Heaven standing behind us, fighting for us, backing us,
beckoning each of us to continue in our dreams, to fight the good fight.

What is life if you don't have to fight at some point?
When courage isn't called upon?


In the midst of crisis, He shines even greater.
That I am daily thankful for.

On closing, in the words of the Queen of England,

"We've seen that it's in hardship that we often find strength from our families; it's in adversity that new friendships are sometimes formed; and it's in a crisis that communities break down barriers and bind together to help one another.

Families, friends and communities often find a source of courage rising up from within. Indeed, sadly, it seems that it is tragedy that often draws out the most and the best from the human spirit."

To courage...to new friendships, and most of all to HOPE, and all that He entails.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Ponderings.

Burnout.
Burnout.
Burnout.

Oh, how I wish I knew these days were coming.
Home unprepared I feel.
Swept away with the chaos of the moment.

Wave after wave of intensity.
Knowing I must get out,
but having absolutely no way of escape.

Oh, how I need my Abba more than ever.
I have no answers this time.
Nope, none at all.

Just a heart of sorrow,
with no tears.

Wishing things were different,
and having no way of changing the present circumstances.

When it's all coming crashing down,
where are the few,
that are with you,
even when everything sucks.

Oh, the pondering of my present soul....

Peace. Love. Joy.

Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is the time everyone whips out the list of things they are thankful for, which is so lovely in so many aspects. At the risk of being super cliche I am going to try to express my gratitude for so many different things in my life right now. In all honesty, I try to wake up every morning and tell Abba, something, because there is always something, for which I am thankful. I am so very thankful (no pun intended haha), for a holiday where we can spend time with family and friends and express the deep things we are grateful for. I think though, making a lifestyle of thankfulness can be totally life changing, and I hope that I can live the rest of my life with that being a core value of mine.

With that being said, some things I am presently thankful for, and totally in awe of my Abba for:
-Transition and "muddy" times that bring people closer, and show an intimate part of my Abba's character I wouldn't have experienced otherwise.
-A mother who loves, and has taught me so much about simply being "me" and loving it.
-A father who despite mistakes, has shown me you can still answer the call of God on your life. You can still set in motion a movement. And, most important, you can still change lives.
-An inheritance stored up internally, as well as external.
-My ancestors, who were some of the most incredible people. My Grandfathers, who combined did some of the most amazing things, impacted the world, and influenced the influential in every sense of the word. My Grandmother's who were complete trailblazers for women. They are fighters. And, they too have experienced so many monumental things. It makes me realize I've got some pretty amazing people backing up my dreams, and visions. It reminds me constantly, that I can DO everything I set out to do.
-Seth Godin, and his brilliant thoughts.
-David Brooks, and his brilliant thoughts. (ha.)
-My siblings. Whom, each teach me a different aspect of life. One, that shows me how to live deeply. One, that shows me how to live joyfully. And, one who shows me how to live in wisdom and deep thought.
-The countless, amazing friends, whom in times of hardship have proved time and time again, that they truly define the word. "friend."
-The art of fashion, with which I can express to the world the creator that lives on the inside of me.
-The most lovely amazing people around the globe who are homeless, destitute, hurting, and victimized. They've taught me about love, and about what exactly makes up a "beautiful person." They've shown me apart of Abba's heart, that my heart can now beat in tune with--justice.
-The people of Nicaragua, whom since age 8, have continually portrayed to me what loving Jesus is all about. A sacrificial, whole hearted love to Abba.
-For getting to dream, and getting to see those dreams realized.
-Mia Hamm, Jon Foreman, Tom DeLonge, Kelly Cutrone, Lauren Conrad, Coco Chanel, DVF, Thoreau, Queen Victoria, Ronald Reagan, George W. Bush....all of which have inspired me in some form or fashion through my life thus far.
-And, last, but most important, my beautiful Abba, who is the heartbeat behind all of the above. He has been so very faithful, more so than any human. He has shown me what it means to love. What it means to carry joy. What it means to go through the winters of life. And, what His grace is truly all about.

I am thankful that everyday there is something new to be thankful for.
That, again, just points to the brilliance, that is my Abba.

I am blessed.
I am loved beyond belief.
And, my default place shall always be: a much loved daughter.

To Thanksgiving....

Peace. Love. Joy.

Changing Culture

I am starting to really understand how culture is changed. Not mearly by words or a sermon, but by circumstances that have required me to come face to face with the reality of what being a change agent really is.

I am so thankful for the last season of my life. In so many ways, it was a time to be safe. A time to heal. A time to grow. But, then I was catapulted into the "real" world, not a safe, friendly environment. I have come face to face with your everyday people; your everyday situations, which have proven to be the grounds for which everything you've learned is challenged.

I truly believe the way you change culture is not through the big, grandeous things (although such things, and movements are wonderful as well). But, rather it's through the little everyday actions where we get to go against the grain. We get to infuse love, joy, and hope into every circumstance; every conversation. It begins  to show people there's a different way than they have seen. A different way than they've been told. You begin to change mindsets, and that ultimately is what changes culture.

Over the past week or so I have been thrown into situation after situation where I had the opportunity to respond differently in very "worldly" situations, and institutions. I saw my simple responses begin to make people stop and begin to think. Some, even thanked me for responding differently than they've ever seen.

I am honored to be given this season. It's a time like no other. A time where everything that has been sown into me is being challenged. The very things I have believed for years are coming face to face with situations where I really get to see what my heart believe in it's innermost parts.

I am so honored to be given the choice to respond differently to situations. I am honored to be given situations where I can challenge the "system" so to speak, and bring a new way of thinking, and a new way of doing things.

I think that's what Jesus did.
He walked the earth, not having to prove anything.
Just being put in situation after situation where He was able to bring a new mindset into the mix.
And, thus cause people to begin to think differently.
And, ultimately that is what changed culture,
and what continues too.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Born with a Fight.

I love how within hours, everything can shift, and change.
At least, internally (which subsequently changes all things external).
He truly does turn our mourning into joy.
I love it.

Do you ever find yourself making decisions with Him, but not understanding one bit why He is asking you to make the decisions?
All logical reason says NO, but He says "yes"....
so, of course you follow suite and move in His direction...hand in hand,
without having any idea in the world why.

That's been the past 5 months for me.
Not understanding, denying what was pretty much the comfortable thing--
the safe thing.
And, instead trusting Him with no understanding of why I couldn't "make the move" I logically thought was right.

It's all making sense now, though.
The last season. What was sown into my heart, my life.
It was indeed preparing me for this time...these moments I am presently living in.

No, I don't know how it will all end.
I do now though, that I am here because He wants me here.
There is something He has placed inside of me, that must be used in this time.

I can tell you, there is a fight in me.
A mighty fight....
to see justice prevail, and righteousness thrive.
To see lives fought for, and thus, lives restored.

It certainly hasn't been comfortable,
and without sounding too prideful,
it has been a denying of what I want in so many ways.

Alas, despite not living amidst circumstances I would desire,
I am learning to embrace the fact that there was a courage placed in me for this time, and this season.
There is a well deep within me that God wants to use right now, in these moments.

And, after all, when other then here and now will I get to fight?
When will I get to really see what has been cultivated within me?
When will I get to rise up and live audacious hope?
Now, is the time.
For, certainly when I go on from this life, and spend eternity with Him, I won't need any of it.
Now...these moments; is when I get to see the meaning of who He says He is shown.
When words, turn into action,
and what you've preached and been preached to about, no longer are words, but verbs in which we see His beauty and character revealed.

To these times...
For they surely shall pass.
To fighting...
For the "fight" has been in me from the beginning of time.

And, to destiny,
for I know just as I have looked back at the previous season, in contrast to this one,
I will be doing the same thing in the next season, concerning this one.

To the day, where I am living in the dream,
and not merely dreaming it up.


Peace. Love. Joy.

Solace.

I always find solace in writing. Somehow, it allows me the chance to take everything inside going on and get it out, or at least attempt to. It helps me to process life. Deal with pain. It gets me back to what I am really about.

I am very bad at admitting when I am not doing well. I hate saying things aren't good, because I just like to be optimistic and look on the bright side. Which is good...sometimes. Other times, I think it really is okay to just say things aren't okay. And, that life might just not be the most brilliant at the present moment. In no way does this discount my Abba's goodness--because, trust me He is so good. But, I think He meets us with His goodness in the good times, as well as the bad. I like to think He is right here with me, when it all is crashing down, not just when the sun is shining.

It's crazy how your heart can get caught up in something, and not even realize it until it's gone.
I've never been one to take things for granted--at least I didn't think I was.
Until, I did.
And, then I was left with no second chance--just a heart full of sorrow, regrets, and memories.

But, maybe if I wasn't worth enough to give a second chance, I am better for it now.
After all, who wants to be seen as a begger. Not me.
I'll take the pursuer.
Now, just to find that one.
Who even in the midst of chaos, and mistakes, will be forgiving and understanding.
Willing to trust again, even when they have no logical reason too.

"Everyone I've loved seems like a stranger in the night. But, oh my heart still burns tells me to return and search the faded light...so, tie me to the mast of this old ship and point me home. Before, I lose the one I love, before my chance is gone."

Those are some words from one of my favorite songs by Josh Garrels. I think it quite sums up my heart right now.

So, many different situations and circumstances I wish I could change.
It all hurts. That's okay, though.
I am going to let it hurt..
until, it no longer does.
I'll look back, and realize this was just a season of life, a moment of time,
and He really did carry me through.

I will see my dreams fulfilled.
That I believe.

Peace. Love. Joy.

The Ramblings.

I want to be pursued;
chased down.
I want my heart to feel safe;
at home.
I want to be seen for my strengths,
as well as my weaknesses.
I want to feel special,
loved, and taken care of.
I want to have at my side,
one who will cause me to fully live life alive.
One, whom will encourage me to
see all my Abba's wonderful goodness, day by day.
One who will extract joy in all situations;
in all seasons of life.
I want one of character;
of humility, love, and a spirit that roars, audacious hope.
I want one who sees my dreams,
and would sacrifice just as much as me to see them come to fruition.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Wandering Mind.

Sometimes, I wonder about things.
I wonder why, in the whole wide world, with so many people--
why it's so complicated to find that "one" person to spend the rest of you life with?

It's this age old, simple task, of finding another person to live, laugh, and do life with.
Yet, in all it's simplicity, it's the most complex thing as well.

You don't want to settle, just to have another person, or fulfill some type of social obligation.
You really want to love the person--to know that you can live life with them, and live it fully alive.

It's this tension, of desiring something, but not wanting to settle...
thus, waiting. And, learning to never lower your expectations,
but trust that they will be granted, in the form of another person.

After all, aren't our desires given to us by Him?
Thus, there must be someone out there who fits the criteria.

Surrendering to patience.

I love Queen Victoria--actually, most everything about her I love.
Reading about her life, I feel like in so many ways me and the Victoria had a lot in common.
I love, LOVE her relationship with Prince Albert. Here is this man, who learns to be powerful, but allows his wife, who happens to be the Queen of England, to be powerful as well. He learns to not play the game for her,
but rather play the game with her. I love that picture of love. I think that's how it should be.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Swarming.

Swarming feelings.
Emotions.
Inadequate?
Irreplaceable?
Forgotten?

Who will stick around for the long haul?
Who are those willing to invest, not just in the good times...
Who will stick by when it's muddy, and unpleasant?
Who will be the ones whom you can truly call friend at the end of the journey?

It hurts.
But, eh, it's life.
At least I am learning that comparison kills.
Ohh, yes it does.

Embracing the season.
Trusting.
Knowing your decisions were the right ones,
even if others don't agree or maybe understand...
or even stick around.

The truth is,
He is faithful.
The biggest lesson learned will be that of trust when I look back on these times; these seasons.

For now, I put my trust in Him.
The one who has never failed me.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Courage.

It's times like these you find out who is really important in your life--
who your real friends are.

To hold onto hope, when all seems lost,
that's courage to me.
I hope I can be courageous.

When you feel alone,
as if you're on some deserted island,
with no one...but yourself,
and Him.

When you don't want revenge,
but rather justice.
Justice in the form of restoration,
in the form of Love.

It's no longer about being victim,
it's all about fighting.
It's all about being courageous.

And, honestly it's all about running towards audacious hope with all that's within you.
And, staring what seems like the inevitable in the eye, and telling it, it's got no place here.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Haze.

Why is is that the moment you need to lay down your life, be the most courageous; the most selfless--
all, you want to do is run, and be selfish?

Where is the line drawn between fighting for those who don't deserve it,
and fighting for your dreams?

Questions. Haze. Is this reality, or can we please wake up now and say it's a dream?

Peace. Love. Joy.

Audacious Hope.

Audacious Hope.
That has always been a statement that has rung true to my heart.
In fact, I plan to start whole institutions and non-profits and for-profits alike around those two words.

It's funny how when everyone thinks you should be distressed and emotional,
God comes swooping in with His grace, and you, in fact feel more joy than ever before.
It truly is a beautiful thing to just let go, and really just let Him be Himself.

I can honestly say I am not one bit worried about the future,
in fact, I really think I am the most optimistic and hopeful about it than ever before.

I am so excited for the days ahead.
For the places I'll go and the people I'll meet.
And, more importantly I am excited to not have control and for God to just show up in ways no man could.

Life is just good. No exceptions.

Peace. Love. Joy.

That feeling....

The feeling of home.
The feeling of being right where you've always belonged.
As if, from the beginning of time, it was destiny.

My heart is in search of that place;
in search of home.

Hopefully, sooner, rather than later, it's found.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Leaves. Death.

"Leaves become most beautiful when they're about to die."
It's a line of a Regina Spektor song, and its been floating around in my head for weeks now.

Maybe, out of the struggle, the times of dying we are refined, and we come out more beautiful than ever.

Maybe, that is what life is about. Series after series of refinement and becoming more and more beautiful.

Just a thought.
Peace. Love. Joy.

Life is brilliant. I mean, despite all that is going on around me, it really is fantastic.

Maybe it's the gorgeous weather, or maybe the fact that I have the whole day to do exactly what I want to do (for once!); but, truly life is brilliant.

I am so happy to be alive. So happy to have dreams. So happy to know brilliant people. Happy to be exactly who I am. And, to have the most amazing Abba in the whole world...who knows me, loves me, and lives through me.

Learning to extract joy, in all things, no matter what is going on in life.
That is truly the lesson of life I am learning currently.

And, honestly...I am just happy.
So happy.

Peace. Love. Joy.

The buzz.

Politics, oh politics.
I find people are either completely scared of it, and thus pay no attention, and even at times despise it.
While others, love it, live for it, and embrace it every moment of their life.

I like politics...call me crazy, but I do.
There is something so fascinating and intriguing to me about it.
It's this epicenter that our great country is run by, but at the same time, it can't save us (the people).
It's a wonderful tension.

Whenever I have free time? I watch the news.
When I am running at night? I watch the news.
It's just my go to.
I love to know what is going on in the world,
and in Washington.

Lately, with the election buzz in full force, there has been much to catch up on, and watch.
I love the candidate debates. It's so interesting to hear questions fired, and peoples' responses. You can quickly figure out what one believes, as well as values. At the same time though, you can't REALLY figure them out.
It's this weird mystery. (I do find it funny though when the candidates become quite cliche in their "political" terms--my opinion? Just be real. I like the ones that are real).

Maybe I like it so much, because I get a chance to psycho analyze the canidates. Who knows.

Alas, it always gets me thinking,what were the founding fathers like to be around?
I imagine they were men of valor, of character, of values.
I would love to go back in time and sit with them.....have a little chat.
I think it would be absolutely life changing.

I often ponder if there are any men like this still alive?
Are there men of valor? of character?
Are there men leading our country who still have great values they live by?

I am optimistic, so I say yes. I just don't know them, I hope to meet some of them soon though.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Seth Godin says....

Seth Godin says to write everyday, so that I am embracing. I write every day in my journal, but I thought I'd take it one step further and try and write in this blog daily; with the surface, crazy, random things that are floating in my head.

I find joy is the greatest weapon ever. To embrace joy, I mean embrace it in the crappiest of times is the smartest thing one can do. I find the littlest things get me laughing these days. It's good--laughter truly is good like a medicine.

So, laugh, laugh, laugh. I guarantee it will make the hardest of seasons bearable.

Peace. Love. Joy.

20 years.

20 years of life. Wow—it’s weird to say that. Even weirder to realize I’ve been alive 2 decades. So much has happened in those years of life, many joys, and many sorrows. Friends have come and gone. Hobbies have come and gone. Life “ambitions” have come and gone.

I can honestly say that this past year, my 19^th year was one of the most explosive & defining years of my life…I continually look back to a year ago & am amazed at how I’ve changed and grown.

I think I’ve realized more than anything how absolutely brilliant my Abba is, and how much I am dependent on His Grace. He is seriously so good.

I have more dreams than ever before. I am so excited for the years to come, and all the people and places I will have the privilege of encountering.

I have learned about process. Mainly, the tension between living life completely alive, but still being in a process. Of knowing where you’re going, but being in the midst of something entirely different, that ultimately is what gets you to your destination.

It’s the difficult times that teach us all we need—that build the character we need to sustain the course of our dreams.

As I enter adulthood, I am reminded of what I want to be remembered for long after I leave this world. I want to leave an inheritance rich of dreams fulfilled, life lived, new and beautiful ambitions realized, and taking every moment captive. I want to be known as a woman who fully lived. Who faced fear and adversity in the eye, and succeeded in all her heart set out to do.

Peace. Love. Joy.