Broken.

Well, I have not been on here in a long time.... a super long time. I have basically just been writing on my own, but I decided to edit this blog & continue writing.

God has been doing so much in me. Through me.
Process, it's a hard thing. That is for sure.

Have you ever caught yourself asking God to do something in your life, then when He begins to do it you freak out? Yup, that is me right now.

Through the last probably six months, I have been continually crying out to God to just break me. To say the least it has been a very difficult six months....He sure kept His end of the bargain! ha. As the months go on I continue to cry for the breaking, and surely it gets more and more difficult as I cry out more and more. The last few weeks have probably been some of the hardest in my life...and today I caught myself crying out to the Lord saying, "What is going on? I don't understand." Just as quickly as I can say that He sweetly reminds me I am the one who cried out for brokenness.

Which leads me to ponder what exactly is this "brokenness" I cry out for. To be "broken" according to the dictionary is to be violently separated into parts, damaged or altered by breaking, made weak or infirm. And, this is truly what I want. I want God to come, I want Him to destroy my ideologies, and to offend me, DEEPLY. I want Him to come into my heart and violently separate the things that keep me back from the fullness of His presence, of Him. I want Him to make me weak, literally depending on Him for my every breathe. Knowing I cannot move without Him. I want Him to break me.

I have come to the conclusion, that brokenness is hard, deep, real stuff. But in the midst of my hardest times in my life, is when I have come to know the very heartbeat of my Abba. I wouldn't trade one, itsy, bitsy moment of my breaking for anything. Because in those times, my heart became deeply connected to an infinite being, beyond what I could ever imagine. My heart was knitted with His in those times. I learned just who He was, and in turn who He called me. Basically, it comes down to...without the brokenness would I even know Him for what He says He is? Could He even use me?

So, in the end... I cry out... Abba continue to break me.
Anyway you have to..
break me.

Because, truly there is beauty in the fallout.
And that to me is precisely what brokenness is.


Peace. Love. Joy.