Solace.

I always find solace in writing. Somehow, it allows me the chance to take everything inside going on and get it out, or at least attempt to. It helps me to process life. Deal with pain. It gets me back to what I am really about.

I am very bad at admitting when I am not doing well. I hate saying things aren't good, because I just like to be optimistic and look on the bright side. Which is good...sometimes. Other times, I think it really is okay to just say things aren't okay. And, that life might just not be the most brilliant at the present moment. In no way does this discount my Abba's goodness--because, trust me He is so good. But, I think He meets us with His goodness in the good times, as well as the bad. I like to think He is right here with me, when it all is crashing down, not just when the sun is shining.

It's crazy how your heart can get caught up in something, and not even realize it until it's gone.
I've never been one to take things for granted--at least I didn't think I was.
Until, I did.
And, then I was left with no second chance--just a heart full of sorrow, regrets, and memories.

But, maybe if I wasn't worth enough to give a second chance, I am better for it now.
After all, who wants to be seen as a begger. Not me.
I'll take the pursuer.
Now, just to find that one.
Who even in the midst of chaos, and mistakes, will be forgiving and understanding.
Willing to trust again, even when they have no logical reason too.

"Everyone I've loved seems like a stranger in the night. But, oh my heart still burns tells me to return and search the faded light...so, tie me to the mast of this old ship and point me home. Before, I lose the one I love, before my chance is gone."

Those are some words from one of my favorite songs by Josh Garrels. I think it quite sums up my heart right now.

So, many different situations and circumstances I wish I could change.
It all hurts. That's okay, though.
I am going to let it hurt..
until, it no longer does.
I'll look back, and realize this was just a season of life, a moment of time,
and He really did carry me through.

I will see my dreams fulfilled.
That I believe.

Peace. Love. Joy.

The Ramblings.

I want to be pursued;
chased down.
I want my heart to feel safe;
at home.
I want to be seen for my strengths,
as well as my weaknesses.
I want to feel special,
loved, and taken care of.
I want to have at my side,
one who will cause me to fully live life alive.
One, whom will encourage me to
see all my Abba's wonderful goodness, day by day.
One who will extract joy in all situations;
in all seasons of life.
I want one of character;
of humility, love, and a spirit that roars, audacious hope.
I want one who sees my dreams,
and would sacrifice just as much as me to see them come to fruition.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Wandering Mind.

Sometimes, I wonder about things.
I wonder why, in the whole wide world, with so many people--
why it's so complicated to find that "one" person to spend the rest of you life with?

It's this age old, simple task, of finding another person to live, laugh, and do life with.
Yet, in all it's simplicity, it's the most complex thing as well.

You don't want to settle, just to have another person, or fulfill some type of social obligation.
You really want to love the person--to know that you can live life with them, and live it fully alive.

It's this tension, of desiring something, but not wanting to settle...
thus, waiting. And, learning to never lower your expectations,
but trust that they will be granted, in the form of another person.

After all, aren't our desires given to us by Him?
Thus, there must be someone out there who fits the criteria.

Surrendering to patience.

I love Queen Victoria--actually, most everything about her I love.
Reading about her life, I feel like in so many ways me and the Victoria had a lot in common.
I love, LOVE her relationship with Prince Albert. Here is this man, who learns to be powerful, but allows his wife, who happens to be the Queen of England, to be powerful as well. He learns to not play the game for her,
but rather play the game with her. I love that picture of love. I think that's how it should be.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Swarming.

Swarming feelings.
Emotions.
Inadequate?
Irreplaceable?
Forgotten?

Who will stick around for the long haul?
Who are those willing to invest, not just in the good times...
Who will stick by when it's muddy, and unpleasant?
Who will be the ones whom you can truly call friend at the end of the journey?

It hurts.
But, eh, it's life.
At least I am learning that comparison kills.
Ohh, yes it does.

Embracing the season.
Trusting.
Knowing your decisions were the right ones,
even if others don't agree or maybe understand...
or even stick around.

The truth is,
He is faithful.
The biggest lesson learned will be that of trust when I look back on these times; these seasons.

For now, I put my trust in Him.
The one who has never failed me.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Courage.

It's times like these you find out who is really important in your life--
who your real friends are.

To hold onto hope, when all seems lost,
that's courage to me.
I hope I can be courageous.

When you feel alone,
as if you're on some deserted island,
with no one...but yourself,
and Him.

When you don't want revenge,
but rather justice.
Justice in the form of restoration,
in the form of Love.

It's no longer about being victim,
it's all about fighting.
It's all about being courageous.

And, honestly it's all about running towards audacious hope with all that's within you.
And, staring what seems like the inevitable in the eye, and telling it, it's got no place here.

Peace. Love. Joy.

Haze.

Why is is that the moment you need to lay down your life, be the most courageous; the most selfless--
all, you want to do is run, and be selfish?

Where is the line drawn between fighting for those who don't deserve it,
and fighting for your dreams?

Questions. Haze. Is this reality, or can we please wake up now and say it's a dream?

Peace. Love. Joy.

Audacious Hope.

Audacious Hope.
That has always been a statement that has rung true to my heart.
In fact, I plan to start whole institutions and non-profits and for-profits alike around those two words.

It's funny how when everyone thinks you should be distressed and emotional,
God comes swooping in with His grace, and you, in fact feel more joy than ever before.
It truly is a beautiful thing to just let go, and really just let Him be Himself.

I can honestly say I am not one bit worried about the future,
in fact, I really think I am the most optimistic and hopeful about it than ever before.

I am so excited for the days ahead.
For the places I'll go and the people I'll meet.
And, more importantly I am excited to not have control and for God to just show up in ways no man could.

Life is just good. No exceptions.

Peace. Love. Joy.